1.36 cm

Ok, so you might get tired of posts like this.

But I can't help but remember where we were a year ago today.

One year ago today we got our first peek at our first baby.

And I fell in love. And I swear my heart grew bigger.

One year ago our baby was 1.36 cm big. And today he is almost 16 pounds.

This blows my mind.

Today I am feeling overwhelmed and amazed by this gift of life that has been part of me for over a year.

Seriously. Where does time go???

puppy love

milo's first thanksgiving

This year, David had to work on Thanksgiving day so, instead of heading to KC or spending Thanksgiving with friends here in Denver, we were on our own. We celebrated a day late, but it felt like Thanksgiving in the Baker house!

I've never made an entire Thanksgiving meal before, and I discovered that I really enjoyed preparing it. David helped me stuff the turkey. He put up our Christmas tree. I cooked. Milo listened to his first Christmas songs. We watched football and napped on the couch. We had a really, really nice day.

Mostly, we marveled at our growing baby who is amazing, healthy, and perfect. And funny! He brings so much joy to our lives and, perhaps more than any previous Thanksgiving, we understand what it means to feel full to the brim with gratitude.

milo, dressed up for his first thanksgiving!

david putting up our tree

my first turkey!

our table (small, but joyous)

david carving the turkey

mama & milo

my boys

midas, being a really good sport

watching football

thankful

on this day

that's made

for

giving

thanks,

I'm thankful

for

this boy

we made.

milo's fourth month

happy 4 months, milo!

Happy day, Milo! You are four months old today!

You are doing so many amazing things now! You can roll over (both directions!), stand up in your exersaucer, and you are so good at holding your head up that Mama can carry you on her hip. You are becoming really observant—looking out windows, watching the dogs, and you’ve even started looking at the pages in the books we read to you.

Also, you’ve started putting everything in your mouth. And I mean EVERYTHING. Your hands, your lovey, the mail. You’ve even started trying to eat my cheek when I hold you close and kiss you, which is, of course, absolutely adorable.

Oh, one other awesome thing about you holding your own head up? Those moments when you decide to lay your head on my shoulder…

Milo, I love you so much that my heart hurts.

And I love you so much that it kills me to tell you this.

Milo, I didn’t know that being a mama would be so hard.

David tells me that being a mother is hard because I care so much about being a good one. I suppose he’s right, but Milo, I didn’t know that being a mama would be so hard.

I didn’t know how much I would doubt myself. How anxiety and guilt would take up permanent residence in the hollow of my stomach. I didn’t know how much my heart would ache when you cry. I didn’t know how much I would worry about trying to help you grow up healthy, safe, and happy.

I didn’t know how much it would require me to sacrifice. How my life would sometimes feels like it is no longer my own. How I would get almost nothing done in a 24-hour period because I am so consumed with caring for you.

However.

(Baby, please know there’s always a however.)

However, I love you more than I ever could have imagined.

And it’s totally worth it.

YOU are worth it.

Because being your mom means moments like this one:

Moments at night when it’s almost bedtime. And you snuggle down into me. And I can smell your sweet head that smells like baby shampoo. And I can hear the sweet sound of you sucking on your fingers. And I remember that you are mine.

Milo, I didn’t know that being a mama would be so hard.

However.

I also didn’t know that being a mama would be so wonderful.

I love you,

Mama

for your reading pleasure

You might have noticed already, but there are three new-to-me blogs I'm following and thought you might enjoy:

"Sit a Spell" is a U.S. family living and serving in Haiti. Her theology is a little more conservative than mine, but her posts are beautifully written and poignant. I especially appreciate her recent post about short-term mission trips.

"Miss Minimalist" is penned by Francine Jay, author of The Joy of Less. The post that led me to add her to my blogroll is her short guide to consumer disobedience.

AND, don't miss "Brunk & Brunk," the funny and heartfelt blog written by two friends of mine who recently discovered they were pregnant with twins. Congrats, Brunks!

Happy reading!

wine. it does a mama good.

Thanks to David's parents, David and I went out Saturday night. On a date. Without the baby.

OMG.

It was our second date since Milo was born, 115 days ago. Not that I'm counting.

I wore a new sweater. It was totally baby spit-up, baby pee, and baby booger-free. I did my hair. And brushed my teeth.

We left Milo at home with Yia Yia and Opa. My heart was beating as we walked out the door. We drove downtown and, holymother, downtown Denver is bumpin' on a Saturday night! Who knew?

We found a parking spot right in front of the restaurant. Unheard of. We walked in to the restaurant David picked out, the name of which I can't even pronounce, it was just that cool. The girl asked if we had a reservation. We said no. She told us it would be an hour and a half for a table. We went to the bar. Fifteen minutes later, she came to get us and took us to a table.

The date night gods were smiling on us, for sure.

I wasn't going to order a drink. I'm not a drinker. I didn't drink a lick of alcohol when I was pregnant with Milo. I've only had sips of David's beer since Milo was born. (Ok, MAYBE one glass of wine when I went out with a friend.) After all, I'm a breastfeeding mama and I have to be responsible.

But on Saturday night, when my stomach was a little anxious about somebody else putting Milo to bed, I decided I would order a glass of wine.

And oh. my. gosh.

I forgot how fun I was.

We laughed. And laughed. And flirted. And held hands at the table. And after dinner, instead of going home, we went across the street and ordered more wine and chocolate fondue.

We didn't talk about the baby. I wasn't thinking about Milo's nap schedule, his feeding schedule, his sleeping schedule, whether or not he's getting enough tummy time, how I can't seem to cut his nails short enough to keep him from scratching himself, or the fact that I can't get rid of the dry, flaky skin on the back of his head.

We didn't talk about any of that.

We talked like friends.

And we remembered how much we really, really liked each other.

And did I mention that I was fun?

Not anxious. Or irritable. Or annoyed. Or nit-picky. Or uptight.

I love, love, love my baby. So does David. We are learning how to be a family of three.

But it sure was wonderful to be two. Even if only for an evening.

(P.S. The headache I had Sunday morning when I woke up was totally worth it.)

yia yia & opa come to visit

We aren't going to KC for Thanksgiving this year so Steve & Patty came to Denver and we celebrated early. Milo really enjoyed spending time with his Yia Yia & Opa and we were grateful for a "date night!"

a moment's peace

It's hard

to get

a moment's peace

when your mom

thinks everything

you do

is adorable

and should

be

caught

on

camera.

milo tells a story

goodbye, swing

Well, it's official.

Milo is too big for his swing.

Goodbye, swing. We loved you. Thanks for helping us through those first crazy months. Thanks for being a safe place to put the baby while Mommy took a shower. Thanks for being there in the middle of the night if we needed you.

We will miss you.

P.S. Where does time go?

grand gestures

Yesterday I was in a bad spot.

Milo missed his morning nap because we were at the grocery store and when I tried to put him down for his afternoon nap, he cried off and on for two hours. He was so exhausted by the time he fell asleep, that he slept until 5 p.m. Sleeping until 5 pushed his bedtime back, which meant he was overtired and fussy and waking up every 45 minutes or so after I put him down. I fed him at 9 and, as he was drifting off to sleep, my dog started scratching himself (a very normal behavior for a dog, mind you). But he kept scratching. And scratching. And scratching. And goodgod does he need to scratch himself RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BABY's DOOR??? His scratching (and thus collar jingling) sent me into a tail spin.

David took the baby from me and soothed him to sleep. And then he found me crying in bed. I told him I hated my life.

(I don't really hate my life. But exhaustion and hormones and dogs with jingly collars can skew your perspective.)

And that was when my husband intervened in a big way.

Pop culture would have us believe that grand, romantic gestures include flowers and chocolates and diamonds. Grand gestures are public. And grand.

But I don't need flowers and chocolates and diamonds. Here is how I know my husband loves me:

He hugged me. And then he turned off the baby monitor. And he took his pillow off the bed. And he moved to the couch. And he told me to close the door , forget we had a baby, and go to sleep.

And he slept on the couch. My husband slept on the couch so he could hear the baby. And when the baby cried, David fed him. And I slept.

I slept. Uninterrupted. (Ok, minus a quick 2 a.m. feeding that I chose to do in order to sleep comfortably. If you're a breastfeeding mother, you understand.)

And this morning, when I woke up at 7 a.m., I felt like a different person. My brain felt different. The world seemed less blurry. I was even able to be kind to my dog.

And that, my friends, is the story of my husband, his love for me, and the night he made a grand, romantic gesture.

one year ago

November 3, 2009

Dear Baby,

This morning we found out you are coming. I can't believe it! I'm so blessed and happy. You are making us parents.

I love you,

Your mom