right now

I haven't been blogging. Right now, we're busy. Adjusting. Again.

I started work as the Associate of Discipleship Ministries at our church in Olathe on August 7th.

I. love. it.

I love my co-workers. I love my bosses. I love the work I'm doing. I love seeing familiar faces we left 4 years ago. I love seeing new faces. And, confession time, I love being away from my baby for 20 hours a week. I wasn't sure I could do it. But I LOVE the mornings that I wake up, shower, and GO TO WORK WITHOUT THE BABY. Plus, now that I am away from him more regularly, it makes the time I AM with him that much sweeter.

I'm working at both sites, our big church and the Center of Grace where they offer community meals, a clothing closet, ESL, and afterschool tutoring. Right now, my work at the Center is undefined. My supervisor is giving me time to grow into the work. To get to know the place. To let the work I'm supposed to do find ME. (I know, right? This job is really too good to be true...)

Even though it's good, I like to find things to worry about. Like my never-ending agony about whether or not to be ordained. Or whether I might someday return to public schools to teach. But right now, it's good.

Also, I'm in week 2 of training for my half marathon. My training right now looks like this:

*An "easy" run twice a week. Right now, my easy run is 2 miles. And, by golly, it IS getting easy to run two miles!

*A "long" run on Saturdays. Right now, my long run is 3 miles. Next Saturday, it will be 4 miles. And so on.

*Rest, stretch, walk on my "off days."

I need to stretch more. My hamstrings are freakishly inflexible which makes my lower back sore if I don't stretch. And also my abs have been sore. Yes, sore abs from running. David says it's because my ab muscles separated when I was pregnant to make space for the baby and that it takes time for ab muscles to "grow" back together. Ick. Seriously, add "ab muscle separation" to the list of things nobody told me before I got pregnant.

I worry about how I'll ever get up to 13 miles. But, I trust it will happen. Running is teaching me that things take time. Right now, I can run 3 miles. And that's 3 miles more than I WAS running before I signed up for this race.

Also, we're still living at my mom's. The tapes in my head like to tell me this makes me a loser. That we SHOULD have our own house.

But, honestly? Right now, it's pretty great.

We are taking advantage of the opportunity to save money & pay off student loan debt. People ask us how long we'll live here and we don't know how to answer. We say, right now, it's working.

That's it in a nutshell. For right now anyway.

lily

3 weeks ago, I had the honor & privilege of being present at my "niece's" birth. It was a day I won't soon forget.

Last week, I returned to Arkansas and spent some time with my soul-sister and her new little family. It was SO special to see her as a new mama. She's amazing!

And Lily? Well, I'm in love.

should-ing all over myself

Milo is napping and there are so many things I should be doing.

I should be loading the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher.

I should be steaming more green vegetables for him to eat.

I should be running.

I should be showering.

I should call my friend I haven't talked to in awhile.

I should be paying bills.

I should finish writing thank-you notes for Milo's birthday gifts.

I should. I should. I should.

Confession: It isn't just when Milo is napping that I feel the shoulds. Lately, I've been hearing a lot of shoulds.

I should be more excited to start my new job.

I should be better with money.

I should be more frugal.

I should be more generous.

I should be nicer to my dogs. I should walk them more.

I should be more attentive when my husband tells me about work.

I should be more engaged when Milo is awake.

I should be tidier. Less messy. More organized.

I should eat better.

I should exercise more.

I should be more involved with what's going on in the "real" world. I should have written my congress person about the debt ceiling.

I should live in my own house.

I should have more friends.

I should be more grateful.

I should be different.

More.

Better.

Yes, it has been a good ole should shitstorm in my mind lately.

(See, I just told myself I should not say "shit" on a blog my mother reads...)

It feels really icky.

And I don't want to live like that.

Something I've noticed? When I feel really critical of others, it's mostly because I'm feeling really critical of myself.

I don't want to live like that either.

I want to find space where it's silent. Where the shoulds are quiet. Where there is no judgment.

One of the 2.3 billion reasons that being a mama is scary is because if I don't get MY shoulds under control, then I will start to should my son. I can feel it already. He should be walking. He should be weaned already. He should know more words.

I don't want that for him. And I can't make space for Milo to be himself, just as he is, if I can't also make space for myself. Just as I am.

Before we left Denver, a friend of mine gave me a gift. A book called There is Nothing Wrong with You.

Sounds self-helpy? Yes, my friend thinks so too. And told me so. And so I didn't read it because I should not need self-help books.

But, I've started reading it. And I love it. It's written by Cheri Huber, founder of the Zen Monastery Peace Center in California and Living Compassion, a nonprofit dedicated to peace and service.

I'll say more as I read more, but here's what I'm repeating to myself today: "If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago..."