should-ing all over myself

Milo is napping and there are so many things I should be doing.

I should be loading the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher.

I should be steaming more green vegetables for him to eat.

I should be running.

I should be showering.

I should call my friend I haven't talked to in awhile.

I should be paying bills.

I should finish writing thank-you notes for Milo's birthday gifts.

I should. I should. I should.

Confession: It isn't just when Milo is napping that I feel the shoulds. Lately, I've been hearing a lot of shoulds.

I should be more excited to start my new job.

I should be better with money.

I should be more frugal.

I should be more generous.

I should be nicer to my dogs. I should walk them more.

I should be more attentive when my husband tells me about work.

I should be more engaged when Milo is awake.

I should be tidier. Less messy. More organized.

I should eat better.

I should exercise more.

I should be more involved with what's going on in the "real" world. I should have written my congress person about the debt ceiling.

I should live in my own house.

I should have more friends.

I should be more grateful.

I should be different.

More.

Better.

Yes, it has been a good ole should shitstorm in my mind lately.

(See, I just told myself I should not say "shit" on a blog my mother reads...)

It feels really icky.

And I don't want to live like that.

Something I've noticed? When I feel really critical of others, it's mostly because I'm feeling really critical of myself.

I don't want to live like that either.

I want to find space where it's silent. Where the shoulds are quiet. Where there is no judgment.

One of the 2.3 billion reasons that being a mama is scary is because if I don't get MY shoulds under control, then I will start to should my son. I can feel it already. He should be walking. He should be weaned already. He should know more words.

I don't want that for him. And I can't make space for Milo to be himself, just as he is, if I can't also make space for myself. Just as I am.

Before we left Denver, a friend of mine gave me a gift. A book called There is Nothing Wrong with You.

Sounds self-helpy? Yes, my friend thinks so too. And told me so. And so I didn't read it because I should not need self-help books.

But, I've started reading it. And I love it. It's written by Cheri Huber, founder of the Zen Monastery Peace Center in California and Living Compassion, a nonprofit dedicated to peace and service.

I'll say more as I read more, but here's what I'm repeating to myself today: "If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago..."