big day

milo goes to the aquarium

Carrie & Greg came last weekend and we took Milo to the Aquarium. In case you can't tell from the video, he LOVED it! =)

Meatless Mondays: Szechuan-Style Tofu with Peanuts

Tonight I made this yummy recipe.

(And, no, that's not MY picture. I borrowed the picture from the recipe at Cooking Light.)

I only recently started cooking tofu. I was nervous about it, but I like the texture of broiling the tofu. Also, there are a couple ingredients in this recipe I'd never heard of before, but I found all of them in the "Asian cooking" aisle at my grocery store.

I served it over rice I made in my rice cooker. Oh, how I love my rice cooker...

Szechuan-Style Tofu with Peanuts

1 (14-ounce) package water-packed firm tofu, drained and cut into 1-inch pieces

cooking spray

1/2 c. broth

1 tablespoon ground fresh chile paste (I used Roasted Red Chile Paste. Close enough.)

1 tablespoon less-sodium soy sauce

1 teaspoon cornstarch (I used flour)

2 teaspoons black bean garlic sauce

1 tablespoon oil

1/4 teaspoon salt (I omitted the salt)

1 (8-ounce) package presliced mushrooms

1/2 c. matchstick-cut carrots

1 tablespoon bottled ground fresh ginger

1/2 c. chopped green onions

1/4 c. unsalted dry-roasted peanuts

1. Preheat broiler.

2. Arrange tofu in a single layer on a foil-lined jelly roll pan coated with cooking spray; broil 14 minutes or until golden. (I flipped mine halfway through)

3. While tofu cooks, combine broth and next 4 ingredients (through black bean sauce), stirring with a whisk; set aside.

4. Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add salt (or not) and mushrooms; saute 4 minutes or until mushrooms begin to release liquid, stirring occasionally. Stir in carrots and ginger; cook 1 minute. Add broth mixture; cook 30 seconds or until sauce begins to thicken. Remove from heat; stri in tofu and onions. Serve over rice; sprinkle with peanuts.

I should probably confess that, while he HAVE been eating way more tofu these days, I've also taken up a love affair with bacon. I'm totally a work in progress...

maybe I should keep a journal. maybe not.

I've written a million blog posts that I never published.

Ok, maybe not really a million. But a lot.

I write them because writing helps me think. Writing helps me process. I can think about something all I want, but it isn't until I write it down that it makes sense to me. That it feels clear to me.

I think, sometimes, I should keep a journal instead of a blog. I worry that I overshare. I notice that the blog I started as a way to let our Kansas families know what is happening in Colorado has actually become my place to share my deepest insecurities, greatest joys, and toughest struggles. Weird? Maybe. Maybe I should keep a journal instead. But journals are private and blogs are not. And blogs have this lovely way of reminding you that you are not alone--that others share your insecurities, your joys, and your struggles.

This Lenten season, I have been fasting from facebook. I wrote about my reasons for doing so in this post.

If I try to evaluate the success of my Lenten discipline based solely on whether or not I have stayed off facebook, I am a failure.

I have checked on my friend in Tokyo to see how she is coping with the tremendous loss, tragedy, & grief that Japanese people are experiencing.

I have checked on my friend who had a baby this week. I watched all five of the videos she posted of her sweet, sweet, tiny newborn baby.

I posted a picture of Milo on his baptism day and when he turned 8 months old because, honestly, that kid is just too much for my heart alone to hold and I have to share him with the facebook world.

So, I guess, maybe, I am a failure.

Except, I know that's not true.

I am not a failure. My fast from facebook has not been a failure.

I needed space.

And now, every morning when Milo takes a morning nap, instead of cruising facebook, I've been filling the newly-found space with reading/thinking/praying.

I've been reading "The Power of Pause" by Terry Hershey. I didn't discover Terry on my own. My church is using his book as a resource during this Lenten season.

His chapters are short. And very, very powerful.

I feel like he is speaking to me. Like he is singing my song. Like he knows what my heart needed to hear.

Here are some of his "nuggets" of wisdom that I've found helpful:

We all see "crippled" parts of ourselves that sadden, discourage, infuriate, embarrass, or even repulse us...and we do our best to wish or will or pray them away...the problem is, as long as I'm bent on fixing, repairing, and renovating in order to make myself more presentable or lovable or acceptable, I am postponing the ability to receive any gifts (from you or from God) in the moment I have right now. (61)

Granted, there are flawed and weak parts that could change. But we can't change anything until we can love it. We can't love anything until we can know it. We can't know anything until we can embrace it. (62)

To be blessed is to know that I am loved by a gracious Creator, and that I can own and celebrate my identity, knowing it is enough. (72)

Here is the power of space. With space we are able to receive, and our lives are fueled by gratitude. (75)

So, I guess I will keep writing blog posts. Some will get "published" and others won't. But one thing is certain. I am learning to embrace. To love. And to celebrate my identity.

happy 8 months, milo!

It is getting increasingly difficult to take his "monthly milo" photos! It takes two of us to even come CLOSE to getting a good picture & I've almost totally given up on getting the sign in there. Oh well, he sure is cute. =)

Happy day, Milo! You are eight months old today!

EIGHT MONTHS.

That. is. crazy.

I really thought your seventh month was my favorite. (And, before that, I thought your sixth month was my favorite...) But, seriously, Milo, your eighth month was my FAVORITE! Because, really, you just get cuter, sweeter, smarter, and more fun every single day.

You are becoming a real person. Like, for real. Like, I like to be around you! You are a happy, happy baby. You LOVE to be outside. Sometimes, when I open the front or back door, you SQUEAL in delight. And, when we drive somewhere and then I open your car door to get you out of your car seat, you SQUEAL in delight. It's like you are happy to see me and, I'll tell you a secret, sometimes I feel like I want to squeal too because I'm happy to see YOU!

*Sigh*

This month you started eating all kinds of new foods. You eat spinach, green beans, zucchini, peaches, cauliflower, plums, asparagus, and mango. So far, you like everything but peas. =)

AND, you cut your first tooth! Your bottom right tooth was the first to pop up. I think you're less than thrilled about getting teeth, but, if you're patient, it means you can someday eat things like pizza and hamburgers, I promise.

You are so observant and it is so fun for me, as your mama, to see the world through your eyes. You love the fish tank at the sushi restaurant, you love the gerbils at Petsmart, you love to touch the buds on the trees in our front yard, and you LOVE to sit in your swing and watch the puppies play with their frisbee. You laugh and laugh. Yesterday, I took you for a walk and you laughed every time the wind blew your hair. Life is fresh and new to you. You are present in each and every moment. And it helps make life fresh and new for me too. You help ME be present.

Present and thankful.

You are observing the world around you and I can tell you are trying to decide if the world around you is okay. If it is scary or not. Like when I hand you to someone you don't know and you look to me with a worried look as if to ask, Is this ok, mama? And every time I vacuum, your bottom lip starts to quiver and I have to turn it off and come hold you and tell you "It's not scary! It's just loud!" And, last night in the bath tub, you got water up your nose and it surprised you. You looked at me with a worried look. Is this scary, mama? And I looked at you back and I smiled. And I said, "It's ok, Milo! You're ok!" And then you went on playing.

It's a big responsibility to have someone look to you and ask if the world is scary or not.

Because, sometimes, when I tell you it's ok, I feel like I'm lying.

Sometimes, I feel like the world IS a scary place.

This past week there was an earthquake. And a tsunami. And the threat of nuclear meltdown.

And there are riots. All over.

And someone important to a dear friend of mine was assaulted in a hate crime here in Denver.

Yes, Milo, I feel like I'm lying to you when I tell you the world is okay. That it's not scary.

Milo, here's the thing. It does feel scary sometimes. And you are growing so fast. I won't be able to protect you forever. And I am so very aware of how capable we humans are of destroying things. And how vulnerable we are because we are human.

But, Milo, then I look at you. I look at you. I look at you and know you are too much. Too much goodness. Too much wonderfulness. Too much joy for my heart to hold. And I'm so very aware of how capable we humans are of creating good, wonderful things.

This week, in the middle of gut-wrenching news from Japan & Libya & my very own neighborhood, I've been comforted by these words:

I see babies cry.

I watch them grow.

They'll learn much more,

Than I'll ever know.

And, I think to myself

What a wonderful world.

Yes, Milo, I look at you and think to myself...

What a wonderful world.

Love,

Mama

milo's eighth month

milo's baptism

I only have two eyes

Be all seeing

I only have two hands

Be everywhere

I do not know enough

Be all knowing

I give this baby up into your care.

"Prayers for this Child" by Sara Groves.

Meatless Mondays: Eggplant Parmesan

Ok, so it's a few days late, but here is the "Meatless Monday" meal I made this week. It's a REALLY yummy recipe for Eggplant Parmesan.

Eggplant Parmesan

3 eggplant, peeled and thinly sliced (I only use one eggplant and it feels like enough)

2 eggs, beaten

4 cups Italian seasoned bread crumbs

6 cups spaghetti sauce, divided

1 (16 ounce) package mozzarella cheese, shredded and divided

1/2 c. grated Parmesan cheese, divided

1/2 tsp. dried basil

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees

2. Dip eggplant slices in egg, then in bread crumbs. Place in a single layer on a baking sheet. Bake in preheated oven for 5 minutes on each side.

3. In a 9x13 inch baking dish spread spaghetti sauce to cover the bottom. Place a layer of eggplant slices in the sauce. Sprinkle with mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses. Repeat with remaining ingredients, ending with the cheeses. Sprinkle basil on top.

4. Bake in preheated oven for 35 minutes, or until golden brown.

I serve the eggplant with thin spaghetti and extra sauce. It's yummy!

today is a special, special day

Dear Milo,

Today is a special, special day.

Today is your baptism day.

Your grandparents drove all day to be here for your special day. You have a new outfit to wear. It's a special, special day.

Milo, I know you don't understand this day. For you, this day is no different than any other. But, for me, this is a special, special day.

I've been thinking about this letter for a long time. Thinking about what I want to say to you. How to explain your baptism day to you.

You see, I remember my baptism day. I was 10 years old. I remember going to the front of the church with my parents and my brother, your Uncle Justin. I remember the pastor laying his hands on my head. I don't remember the words he said, but I remember the way it felt to be loved so completely. To be told I am beloved. To be told I am God's child. To be surrounded by people who loved me and wanted my life to be filled with grace.

And I remember crying. I was 10 years old, but somehow I understood what it meant, and it moved me.

And part of me is sad for you that you will not remember this day. Because it is a special, special day.

Today, your parents, your grandparents, and your church family will be present with you. The pastors will lay hands on you. We will say vows. We, as your family and as your church, will commit to raising you in the Church. We will say, "We are your Church, Milo, and we love you so very much."

And then the pastors will baptize you, Milo.

They will sprinkle you with water. You will be baptized by water & the Spirit.

The water is an outward sign. A sign of your belonging. A sign of how much we love you. Of how much your Church loves you. And, most importantly, a sign of how much God loves you.

And, after we have prayed over you, Pastor George will carry you around the sanctuary. And we will sing to you. We will sing these words:

Milo Stephen, God claims you.

God helps you,

protects you,

and loves you too.

We are here to say, this day,

that we will help you

on the way.

Milo Stephen, God claims you.

God helps you,

protects you,

and loves you too.

Milo, today is a special, special day. Today we will say, "Milo, we are your Church."

As your mother, I can do my best to raise you as a person of faith. It is my hope for you that tomorrow will mark the beginning of a spiritual journey for you. That you will continue to seek God, to understand God's nearness, to believe God's goodness resides within your very own body.

It is my hope for you that you will desire God. To seek God's will for your life. To participate in God's redeeming work in the world. To be a co-creator of justice, love, and mercy. To be grace-filled.

Today is a special, special day. Today we will say, "Milo, we are your Church."

And it is my hope, as your mother, that someday you will say for yourself, "This is MY Church."

I can't be certain. After all, you are your own person and will have to, eventually, find your own way in this world.

But, always, always remember these things:

God loves you.

Your Church loves you.

And I love you so very, very, very much.

Happy Baptism day,

Mama

is it just me?

Is it just me

or

is this guy

looking

less & less

like a baby

and

more & more

like

a

little boy?

what is ash wednesday?

This video does a great job explaining Ash Wednesday in two minutes!

why I won't be on facebook for 6 weeks

Yesterday, I posted on facebook that I might give it up for Lent.

And a firestorm ensued.

Ok, it wasn't really a firestorm, but it felt like one to me.

I was immediately criticized. And judged. And told I shouldn't "give something up" but "take something on."

Once I got over feeling defensive, I decided that the reaction to my "leaving" facebook for six weeks had very little to do with me. No one asked me why I was leaving facebook. No one cared what my reasons were (reasons I'll get to in a moment). Instead, I think people interpreted my decision to leave facebook as a criticism of them. Which it wasn't. This isn't about them. Or you. Or anyone else. This is about me.

Let me begin by saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with facebook. I think facebook is fun & entertaining. Heck, facebook fueled a revolution in Egypt so I'm not arguing it's a bad thing.

But, here's my confession: I'm a facebook addict. It's like crack. (Except, not really, I know that.)

If you're not on facebook, you probably think I'm ridiculous. But if you ARE on facebook, I think you maybe understand what I mean. It's fairly addictive. It's distracting. It's entertaining.

And, for me, it's a total time suck.

When David & I got smart phones, it got worse. When I only checked facebook on my computer, it was one thing. But my phone? My phone is with me at all times! And, with one click of a button, I can know what is happening in the lives of my 427 friends.

Here's where I come clean:

I check my facebook, on my phone, first thing in the morning. It's true. I roll over, pick up my phone, and look at facebook before I get out of bed.

And at night? It's how I "wind down."

I check it when I'm nursing Milo.

Or when Milo's playing on the floor & I'm bored.

Annndddd... (get ready to judge me)... I check it at stoplights when I'm driving. OMG.

So, recently, I started wondering why I'm on so much. Here's what I came up with:

*I feel affirmed about who I am. If I post something smart & witty or if I post an adorable picture of Milo & people "like" it, I feel affirmed. I feel valued. It is ridiculous how good it feels when someone "likes" something I posted on facebook.

*I feel connected. I feel like I'm not alone. I feel "in the loop." (My friend Greta jokes that facebook is her leading source of news & it's true for me too!)

*I get bored. I totally, totally, totally love my son. But, seriously. Sometimes, being a stay-at-home mom is sooooooooo boooorrring. I long for adult human contact.

*I've found a community of moms. Facebook is great for getting feedback about baby products & information about feeding, sleeping, etc.

However, I've recently been evaluating this. Is it harmful that I seek so much affirmation from facebook? Am I really connecting with other people? Really? Do I really need to know what's going on in the life of a person I talked to twice in highschool? And does it matter if I'm "in the loop" if it's keeping me from being present to the life that's happening in my very own home?

I'm beginning to suspect that the things I'm looking for--to feel noticed, to feel affirmed, to feel valuable, to feel connected--are needs that simply can't be met on facebook.

Plus, facebook can simultaneously make me feel really, really crappy about myself. When I wanted desperately to have a baby, I had to hide all my friends with babies. When Milo wasn't sleeping, I had to hide all my friends with babies who slept through the night. When I feel bad that I'm a stay-at-home mom, I hide my friends with exciting & fulfilling professional careers. When I feel guilty that I'm not a good stay-at-home mom, I hide my friends who take their babies to music classes & chinese story-telling. Your baby's crawling? Hide. You've lost all your pregnancy weight? Hide. You're getting ordained? Hide. You can afford a vacation to Mexico? Hide.

If I haven't hidden you, it's either because I genuinely like you or because you make me feel better about my life. Yes, it's true. Sometimes I look at my facebook friends and think, "OMG, at least I'm not that pathetic."

So, anyway, Lent starts on Wednesday.

I've never been a big fan of "giving something up" for Lent. I don't pretend to think that giving up chocolate or diet coke will bring me closer to God.

But I do believe in making space.

And I desperately need to make space.

Space to feel safe.

To feel whole.

To feel like I am enough.

Space to trust in my own goodness.

Space to be present in my own life. Here & now.

Space to believe, with every fiber of my being, that I am loved by the Divine Creator, whose spirit palpates through me at every moment.

If only I'd get off facebook long enough to realize it.

Meatless Mondays: Cous Cous

Today's "Meatless Monday" recipe is a staple at our house. It's SO easy & delicious that we have it almost every week. I modified this cous cous recipe from my friend, Lauren, who gives me lots of yummy meat-free ideas!

"Once-a-week cous cous"

1 package cous cous, any flavor (I like the roasted garlic & olive oil)

1 bunch of broccoli, steamed

1/3 c. sun dried tomatoes (If you buy julienne cut, no prep needed)

1/3 c. feta cheese crumbles

1/2 c. cashews

1. Prepare cous cous using directions on the box. (If you've never made it, it's SO easy, I promise)

2. Steam broccoli. (I like to saute the broccoli in my electric skillet with a little bit of olive oil before I steam it.)

3. Combine cous cous, broccoli, sun dried tomatoes, feta cheese, & cashews in a large bowl. (Feel free to adjust the amounts of each. I never measure--I just dump in what looks like a good amount!)

Yum.

awake training for parents

A friend posted this on facebook & I thought it was HILARIOUS!

(By the way, I only found it hilarious because my baby is finally sleeping!)

Dear Fellow Babies,

OK, here’s my situation. My Mommy has had me for almost 5 months. The first few months were great – I cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, around the clock. Then something happened. Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN (sleep thru the night). At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is only getting worse.

I’ve talked to other babies, and it seems like its pretty common after Mommies have had us for around 5-6 months. Here’s the thing: these Mommies don’t really need to sleep. It’s just a habit. Many of them have had some 30 years to sleep – they just don’t need it anymore. So I am implementing a plan. I call it the Crybaby Shuffle.

It goes like this:

Night 1 – cry every 3 hours until you get fed. I know, it’s hard. It’s hard to see your Mommy upset over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, it’s for her own good.

Night 2 – cry every 2 hours until you get fed.

Night 3 – every hour.

Most Mommies will start to respond more quickly after about 3 nights. Some Mommies are more alert, and may resist the change longer. These Mommies may stand in your doorway for hours, shhhh-ing. Don’t give in. I cannot stress this enough: CONSISTENCY IS KEY!! If you let her STTN (sleep through the night), just once, she will expect it every night. I know it’s hard! But she really does not need the sleep; she is just resisting the change.. If you have an especially alert Mommy, you can stop crying for about 10 minutes, just long enough for her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep. Then cry again. It WILL eventually work. My Mommy once stayed awake for 10 hours straight, so I know she can do it.

The other night, I cried every hour. You just have to decide to stick to it and just go for it. BE CONSISTENT! I cried for any reason I could come up with:

-My sleep sack tickled my foot.
-I felt a wrinkle under the sheet.
-My mobile made a shadow on the wall.
-I burped, and it tasted like rice cereal. I hadn’t eaten rice cereal since breakfast, what’s up with that?
-The dog said “ruff”. I should know. My Mommy reminds me of this about 20 times a day. LOL.
-Once I cried just because I liked how it sounded when it echoed on the monitor in the other room.
-Too hot, too cold, just right – doesn’t matter! Keep crying!!
-I had drooled so much my sheets were damp and I didn’t like it touching me.
-I decided I was sick of all the pink in my room so I cried.

It took awhile, but it worked. She fed me at 4am. Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am. You need to slowly shorten the interval between feedings in order to reset your Mommies’ internal clocks.

Sometimes my Mommy will call for reinforcements by sending in Daddy. Don’t worry Daddies are not set up for not needing sleep the way Mommies are. They can only handle a few pats and shhing before they declare defeat and send in the Mommy.

Also, be wary of the sleep sheep with rain noises. I like to give Mommy false hope that listening to the rain puts me to sleep sometimes I pretend to close my eyes and be asleep and then wait until I know Mommy is settling back to sleep to spring a surprise cry attack. If she doesn’t get to me fast enough I follow up with my fake cough and gag noise that always has her running to the crib. At some point I am positive she will start to realize that she really doesn’t really need sleep.

P.S. Don’t let those rubber things fool you, no matter how long you suck on them, no milk will come out.

Trust me.

Sincerely,
Baby J

baby yoga (also known as, "milo might be crawling soon!")

milo's new hobby

Thanks to Yia Yia & Opa, Milo has his very own swing in the backyard. And he LOVES it!