why I won't be on facebook for 6 weeks

Yesterday, I posted on facebook that I might give it up for Lent.

And a firestorm ensued.

Ok, it wasn't really a firestorm, but it felt like one to me.

I was immediately criticized. And judged. And told I shouldn't "give something up" but "take something on."

Once I got over feeling defensive, I decided that the reaction to my "leaving" facebook for six weeks had very little to do with me. No one asked me why I was leaving facebook. No one cared what my reasons were (reasons I'll get to in a moment). Instead, I think people interpreted my decision to leave facebook as a criticism of them. Which it wasn't. This isn't about them. Or you. Or anyone else. This is about me.

Let me begin by saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with facebook. I think facebook is fun & entertaining. Heck, facebook fueled a revolution in Egypt so I'm not arguing it's a bad thing.

But, here's my confession: I'm a facebook addict. It's like crack. (Except, not really, I know that.)

If you're not on facebook, you probably think I'm ridiculous. But if you ARE on facebook, I think you maybe understand what I mean. It's fairly addictive. It's distracting. It's entertaining.

And, for me, it's a total time suck.

When David & I got smart phones, it got worse. When I only checked facebook on my computer, it was one thing. But my phone? My phone is with me at all times! And, with one click of a button, I can know what is happening in the lives of my 427 friends.

Here's where I come clean:

I check my facebook, on my phone, first thing in the morning. It's true. I roll over, pick up my phone, and look at facebook before I get out of bed.

And at night? It's how I "wind down."

I check it when I'm nursing Milo.

Or when Milo's playing on the floor & I'm bored.

Annndddd... (get ready to judge me)... I check it at stoplights when I'm driving. OMG.

So, recently, I started wondering why I'm on so much. Here's what I came up with:

*I feel affirmed about who I am. If I post something smart & witty or if I post an adorable picture of Milo & people "like" it, I feel affirmed. I feel valued. It is ridiculous how good it feels when someone "likes" something I posted on facebook.

*I feel connected. I feel like I'm not alone. I feel "in the loop." (My friend Greta jokes that facebook is her leading source of news & it's true for me too!)

*I get bored. I totally, totally, totally love my son. But, seriously. Sometimes, being a stay-at-home mom is sooooooooo boooorrring. I long for adult human contact.

*I've found a community of moms. Facebook is great for getting feedback about baby products & information about feeding, sleeping, etc.

However, I've recently been evaluating this. Is it harmful that I seek so much affirmation from facebook? Am I really connecting with other people? Really? Do I really need to know what's going on in the life of a person I talked to twice in highschool? And does it matter if I'm "in the loop" if it's keeping me from being present to the life that's happening in my very own home?

I'm beginning to suspect that the things I'm looking for--to feel noticed, to feel affirmed, to feel valuable, to feel connected--are needs that simply can't be met on facebook.

Plus, facebook can simultaneously make me feel really, really crappy about myself. When I wanted desperately to have a baby, I had to hide all my friends with babies. When Milo wasn't sleeping, I had to hide all my friends with babies who slept through the night. When I feel bad that I'm a stay-at-home mom, I hide my friends with exciting & fulfilling professional careers. When I feel guilty that I'm not a good stay-at-home mom, I hide my friends who take their babies to music classes & chinese story-telling. Your baby's crawling? Hide. You've lost all your pregnancy weight? Hide. You're getting ordained? Hide. You can afford a vacation to Mexico? Hide.

If I haven't hidden you, it's either because I genuinely like you or because you make me feel better about my life. Yes, it's true. Sometimes I look at my facebook friends and think, "OMG, at least I'm not that pathetic."

So, anyway, Lent starts on Wednesday.

I've never been a big fan of "giving something up" for Lent. I don't pretend to think that giving up chocolate or diet coke will bring me closer to God.

But I do believe in making space.

And I desperately need to make space.

Space to feel safe.

To feel whole.

To feel like I am enough.

Space to trust in my own goodness.

Space to be present in my own life. Here & now.

Space to believe, with every fiber of my being, that I am loved by the Divine Creator, whose spirit palpates through me at every moment.

If only I'd get off facebook long enough to realize it.