Our "due date" date

Well, July 10th came and went.

Still no baby.

We decided that, instead of wallowing at home about our insubordinate child who refuses to come out, we'd go out for a "due date" date.

Me poking him with my chopstick

We tried to remind ourselves that these moments, just the two of us, are numbered. We tried to focus on how easy it was to go out for dinner without having to hire a sitter or pack a diaper bag. We tried not to pine after every other baby or small child we saw in the restaurant.

But the truth is, we are ready to hold him and smell his sweet head. We wish he would hurry up and come!

40 weeks

So big and SO ready!

We wait.

I could try blogging about something besides birth, labor, and babies but that would be disingenuous. Because it's all I'm thinking about right now. It's all we're thinking about right now.

We walk every day. Far. In the heat. My hands and feet swell up every time I step outside but, so far, walking has not induced the baby.

I'm eating pineapple and taking evening primrose oil. I got a massage. And a pedicure. David rubs my ankles every night with the hope that he will hit the labor-inducing pressure points.

I finished two novels. And we've watched two and a half seasons of Arrested Development. I've visited friends. We put the stroller together. I hold my belly and tell him it's time to be brave. David has threatened to ground him.

But, unfortunately, this baby has yet to be convinced that he should make his appearance sooner rather than later.

In fact, I'm starting to worry that he might be the first baby to just never come out.

I guess it's a good reminder that, despite my best efforts, I'm not in control. Not of this baby. Not of anything, really, in the universe.

Sigh.

So, I guess, we wait.

Landing Gear

I love Ani Difranco.

And right now I feel like she wrote this song for me.

To listen, click here.

"Landing Gear"

Hey little bag of sugar floating in your biosphere
Summon the courage to put down your landing gear
And come out here

'Cause I am as exhausted as a drowning polar bear
Swimming around, looking for a ride
And it's so god awful hot outside

Quiet kicking me in the rib every time Adam tells what he did
Man creates woman, he says
Sweeping his hand through the air like mister show biz

And you're gonna love this world if it's the last thing I do
The whole extravagant joke topped in bitter sweet chocolate goo
For someone who ain't even here yet look how much the world loves you
Look how much the world loves you

The candles are burning down, the music is fading
Your piñata is torn, it's time to be born
And death is at the door peddling that old fashioned blood and gore
Here at the house of creation, cue the sobering moment of revelation

You're gonna love this world if it's the last thing I do
The whole extravagant joke topped in bitter sweet chocolate goo
For someone who ain't even here yet look how much the world loves you
Look how much the world loves you.

The Baby's Room

Well, it's July 1st. Our due date is 9 days away and we finally got the baby's room in order. Let me give you a tour...

The crib and changing table were bought with graduation and birthday money (Thanks, Yia Yia and Opa!) and we found both items on Craigslist. They look brand new but were oodles cheaper than brand new baby furniture.

This is the picture hanging above the changing table. It was a birthday gift Carrie gave me years ago and I love that it's hanging in my baby's room now. It reads, "I hope it will be said we taught them to stand tall and proud, even in the face of history, and the future was made whole for us all, one chid at a time." Amen. =)

The glider and ottoman were a gift from the baby's aunties. (Thank you Rachel, Emily, Lauren, and Carrie!) The wicker basket, night stand, and lamp are items we already owned but moved to the baby's room.

The baby's bedding (a gift from Grandma) is our big ticket item. But it is OH SO CUTE! We decided to reuse a piece from our baby shower as "art" on the wall.

This was a gift from a family at Trinity. This baby has a safe place to sleep and grow and a family who loves him. I'd say he's already blessed.

This is the cradle my brother and I slept in as babies. It is now in our bedroom next to our bed.

I'm pretty dang proud of how simple we've kept things (Babies R Us can make you think that babies need a lot of crap!). We're trying to reuse things instead of buying new. Thanks to my sister--who gave us a boppy, baby monitors, and baby clothes--and a friend--who gave us a gently used car seat and TONS of baby clothes--we think we have everything we need (and more!)

Now we just need a baby. =)

A Mama Confession: Fear and Panic

I have a feeling these "mama confessions" might become a regular feature on this blog.

Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. in total fear and panic. This time it wasn't so much about giving birth (although I frequently panic about that) as it was about being a mother. You see, even though I've wanted to be a mom my whole life, I'm worried that (deep breath, here goes...) I won't like it.

There, I've said it. I'm worried I won't like being a mom. Or that I won't love my baby enough. Or that I will wish he hadn't arrived and messed up the pretty gosh darn good thing David and I have going. And I didn't get the part-time job I applied for at Iliff, which I kind of (ok I totally) blame on the baby. And I'm sad I can't go to the border in August or Liberia in November--places I would love to go but can't because I will have a new baby.

At 4 a.m. I decided to get out of bed. I worried that my tossing and turning was going to wake up David and, after all, he has a job and needed to be somewhere today. So I took my crazy self to the living room and googled "prenatal depression." The website I found said that prenatal depression is fairly common as the due date draws closer and can be compounded by other major life changes like moving (check), loss of or change in employment (check) and loss or change of community (check, check, and check...I no longer see my Iliff or Trinity communities on a regular basis and it is hard...).

I also went to my friend, Muser's blog, and found a link to another mom's blog, which I read until 6 a.m. when David woke up for work and discovered me awake on the couch. Reading her blog helped tremendously. Crying to David helped a lot. Eating an english muffin and then crawling back in bed until 10 a.m. helped too. Sharing my thoughts on this blog helps. Somehow, sending these words out into the universe (or at least the 6 people who read this blog) makes me feel better because the fear and panic are no longer trapped inside my mind for me alone to deal with.

It's daylight and, for now, motherhood seems a little less scary. We'll see...

Blessings

Yesterday I decided to leave my couch for awhile and venture to Cokesbury (the UMC bookstore) to try and spend the gift card Iliff gave us for graduation. I was browsing the titles when this book caught my eye:

I don't believe in signs or that things happen for a reason, but sometimes God's presence is so palpable it is almost eery. I pulled this book off the shelf and flipped it open to the following blessing:

For a Mother-to-Be

Nothing could have prepared

Your heart to open like this.

From beyond the skies and the stars

This echo arrived inside you

And started to pulse with life,

Each beat a tiny act of growth,

Traversing all our ancient shapes

On its way home to itself.

Once it began, you were no longer your own.

A new, more courageous you, offering itself

In a new way to a presence you can sense

But you have not seen or known.

It has made you feel alone

In a way you never knew before;

Everyone else sees only from the outside

What you feel and feed

With every fiber of your being.

Never have you traveled farther inward

Where words and thoughts become half-light

Unable to reach the fund of brightness

Strengthening inside the night of your womb.

Like some primeval moon,

Your soul brightens

The tides of essence

That flow to your child.

You know your life has changed forever,

For in all the days and years to come,

Distance will never be able to cut you off

From the one you now carry

For nine months under your heart.

May you be blessed with quiet confidence

That destiny will guide you and mind you.

May the emerging spirit of your child

Imbibe encouragement and joy

From the continuous music of your heart,

So that it can grow with ease,

Expectant of wonder and welcome

When its form is fully filled

And it makes its journey out

To see you and settle at last

Relieved, and glad in your arms.

Needless to say, I purchased the book immediately. =)

The blessing made me feel better. It was a gentle, loving reminder that I will not be pregnant forever. In fact, God willing, someday my son will grow up and move away from me and, perhaps, I will miss the time when he was nestled uncomfortably (but safely) below my heart (causing me extreme heartburn). So, for today, I am feeling much less hostile and more hospitable toward the tiny foot in my ribcage.

A Mama Confession: Giving Myself Permission

Our due date is less than 4 weeks away.

I alternate between being totally excited for this baby and feeling like maybe this was all a big mistake. Sunday night I was exhausted. And huge. And ready to punch someone in the face because I was so tired of heartburn and backaches and swollen ankles and tiny feet in my ribcage. And I started to cry and said to David, "I think I hate our baby!" =(

It's not true. I don't really hate our baby. But I think the hormones are making me a little crazy. Plus, the baby room is nowhere near being finished and the crib that we found on Craigslist and that was in pristine condition when we bought it is now covered in scratches from our move. David swears he can fix it, but it feels like one more thing we have to do that is putting us "behind." I have friends who aren't due until the fall but their baby's cribs are assembled and unscratched. *Sigh*

We had our 36-week OB appointment yesterday and our CMW (certified nurse midwife) was a little less supportive of our desire for a natural birth than we had hoped. I don't blame her. Sometimes I'm a little less supportive of our desire for a natural birth. I alternate between total confidence that my body knows what to do and complete anxiety that this is the scariest thing I have ever had to do.

In light of all this, I'm trying to give myself permission to feel what I feel. All of it. I'm giving myself permission to sleep in. To spend hours on my couch watching "Arrested Development." To ignore the troubles of the world that usually weigh heavily on my heart and be totally consumed with preparing for this baby. I'm giving myself permission to order take-out and drink caffeinated beverages. I'm giving myself permission to feel ambivalent about birth and motherhood and this baby in particular.

So, if you've been trying to get a hold of me lately (with no success) or anticipate trying to get a hold of me in the next couple of weeks, good luck. I'm probably holed up in my house on the couch watching TV or reading a book, icing my swollen ankles and sipping on a soy latte. If you feel like joining me (and can resist judgment), come on over! =)

Baby Shower in Denver

I don't have all the pictures from last weekend's shower, but here are a few that my mom took. It was a very special day!

My mom flew out for the weekend =)

The hostesses:

Mandy, Lorissa, and Greta

Greta wrote and led a "Mother Blessing Prayer for Tiffany," which was my favorite part:

God, you who birthed us and nurtured us, be present with us in this moment as we celebrate new life and ask your blessing over our sister, daughter, and dear friend, Tiffany. God in your grace,

Hear our prayer.

We give you thanks, Mother God, for those who have come before. For the countless generations of women who have brought your miraculous life into this world time and time again. May their strength and wisdom be a blessing for our friend now, as she becomes a mother. We give you thanks for Iva Lee, Tiffany's mother, and hold her in your love and grace as she becomes a grandmother. God in your grace,

Hear our prayer.

God of compassion, we give you thanks for those who prepare the way for this new child. For friends and family. For Tiffany, who works diligently and stands courageously on the side of justice and truth. For the child's father, David, who cares for and heals your children who are sick, hurt, and addicted. For every person, everywhere, who is making this world a better place for children to live. God in your grace,

Hear our prayer.

Tiffany, may you feel God's spirit of peace--for good health and calm nerves. For smooth doctor checkups. For an abundance of stretchy pants and as much sleep as you can possibly get. For joy and wonder. God in your grace,

Hear our prayer.

To the new baby, you who are growing, kicking, and making yourself known already--we don't even know you yet, but we love you. Do us a favor and be as good as possible to your parents. When it comes time to be born, be brave. We cannot wait to welcome you! God in your grace,

Hear our prayer.

And now, may the Spirit of the Living God, made known to us most fully in Jesus Christ, go before you to help prepare the way for this child. May it go beside you, so you know you are never alone. And may it dwell within you to remind you that you are loved beyond your wildest imagination. Amen.

***

I am a very, very lucky woman indeed.

Waiting for Baby

Our friend, Todd, was in Denver a couple weeks ago and took these pictures for us. We are SO pleased and think he did a fabulous job!

"All the time we wondered and wondered,

who is this person coming

growing

turning

floating

swimming

deep, deep inside."

--Crescent Dragonwagon

Best. Weekend. Ever.

Well, I can tell my life is changing. There were immigration rallies all over the country this weekend but I was nowhere to be found. Instead, I was opening baby gifts and eating tiny quiche. Maybe someday I will figure out how to be a justice-seeking mama...

Despite my guilt, the weekend was really, really wonderful. The shower on Saturday was hosted by my dear friends, Carrie and Lauren, and my two sisters-in-law, Rachel and Emily. It was obvious to me (and everyone who came) how much energy and love had gone into planning and putting on the shower. The decorations were beautiful, the food was divine, and every detail of the shower was carried out with thoughtfulness.

The shower on Sunday was hosted by two friends at my mom's church. Aldersgate is where I was baptized and confirmed, and where I spent most of my growing-up years. It was special to celebrate a new baby with people who "remember me when."

Overall, I felt totally showered with love and care. It is a very special thing to know that so many people I love also love my baby and wish good things for him. I'm a very, very lucky woman.

Oh, and to top it off, we found out on Sunday that David passed the NCLEX!!! When he graduated from nursing school 6 weeks ago, I didn't think I could ever be more proud of him. I was wrong. =)

Shocking Realization on a Monday Morning

Um, we are having a baby soon!

Crazy.

27 weeks

Insomnia

I can't sleep.

Maybe it's the pregnancy-related heartburn.

Or maybe it's the fact that I still can't breathe through both nostrils and the past week of "I'm sick but can't take anything because I'm pregnant" is messing with my sleep cycle.

Or maybe it's because I'm graduating in 8 weeks and still have no real answer when people ask what I'm going to "do" when I'm done.

OR, maybe it's because I've been reading "Ina May's Guide To Childbirth" before I go to bed. Thinking about birth and labor and the fact that this baby is coming in three months does not help me relax before bed.

Or, maybe it's because I proclaim to be a person of faith but am feeling unable to discern what "next step" David and I should take. Today I actually googled "What should I do with my life?" (Nothing satisfactory came up) I also wrote "KC" on a sticky note and "Denver" on another sticky note, wadded them up, shuffled them around, and then made David pick one. So much for prayer--I'm thinking of buying a Magic 8 ball.

He's awesome

We are so thankful to everyone who reached out to us with love and concern this past week. I wasn't able to respond to everyone who emailed, texted, or called me, but I felt your love and prayers with us yesterday as we went for our second ultrasound.

We met with the genetic counselor first and she asked us a million questions and prepared us for the ultrasound. There were three people in the room looking at the ultrasound and all three agreed that there were no signs of echogenic bowel! We were both relieved and filled with joy, and I felt my body loosen and exhale, releasing all the worry and fear it's been holding on to since Monday.

We cried. We gave each other a high five. And then, as a special treat, the ultrasound technician let us see our baby in 3D...

We love you, Bambeano!

Tonight we are going to bed with heavy hearts. The genetic counselor called me today and talked with me about our ultrasound results. The good news is that all major baby parts (heart, lungs, and brain) look great. The bad news is they identified "echogenic bowel," which is an unusally bright appearance of the baby's bowel on an ultrasound.

The counselor was kind and pastoral. She told me that, most likely, nothing is wrong with the baby and he will be born healthy and fine. However, echogenic bowel is a soft marker for things like down syndrome and cystic fibrosis. We are scheduled for a second ultrasound on Thursday and a follow-up appointment with the genetic counselor.

We are trying not to worry, but that is nearly impossible. We love him so much and the thought of him not being healthy feels like too much to bear.

What I know for sure is that we have been immediately surrounded by a community of love and support. We are loved. This baby is loved. And right now, we feel like we are being carried.

Of course, we are praying that everything is fine and Bambeano comes out healthy. But, as a dear friend told me tonight, if he's not totally healthy it won't change anything. The people who love him now will still love him.

We love you, Bambeano!!!

Today is a good, good day

Today is a good, good day. It is sunny and sort-of warm here today. David has the day off so we walked the dogs to REI, got Starbucks, and sat by the Platte River talking about all things baby.

David is less than 2 weeks from graduating and I am 9 days away from finishing my last full quarter of seminary. Just as surely as spring is promising to arrive, our seemingly never-ending time as full-time students is coming to an end.

I have amazing, wonderful, and loving friends who are planning baby showers for this baby.

And, I am feeling pretty darn good about having a boy. We have started calling him by name (it's still a secret!) and he is starting to feel oh so real.

I feel totally and completely blessed. Life is good.

A Mama Confession

This pregnancy has been pretty easy. Even though I had some first trimester queasiness, I never got sick and all queasiness disappeared around week 13. I feel great. I'm still sleeping well. I'm gaining the right amount of weight. Pregnancy = piece of cake.

Or so I thought.

Tuesday was our big ultrasound day. I was SO excited. In fact, I had trouble sleeping Monday night because I couldn't believe it was finally time to get a peek at our little Bambeano. We showed up 30 minutes early for our appointment. And when the technician had me lay down and started the ultrasound, it was everything I had hoped it would be. We got to see Bambeano's face and little arms and little legs and tiny feet (complete with tiny toes). We could see and hear Bambeano's tiny heart beating. Music to my ears. I knew I was falling in love and, in my head, I was constructing my next blog post about the moment I had totally and utterly fallen in love with my baby.

And then this popped up on the ultrasound screen:

And the technician smiled and announced, "That's a boy part alright! You're having a boy."

I was fine at first. We went to lunch--I was fine. We called our families--I was fine. We went to Target to buy a photo album for the ultrasound pics and walked up and down the baby aisles. There was a LOT of pink--I was mostly fine.

And then, when we got home, I was making dinner and all of a sudden I started crying and couldn't stop. David, the ever-concerned and thoughtful husband, rushed over to see what was wrong, probably thinking I had cut or burned myself in the kitchen. Nope. I somehow sobbed out to him, "I don't WANT a boy!!!"

And it's true. For the last 20 weeks I've been convinced this baby was a girl. All my baby dreams have been about a baby girl. I didn't want a boy. Boys were something that other people had. I was supposed to have girls.

I'm not sure why I feel this way. I mean, I guess I should have known I had a 50% chance of having a baby boy.

But whenever I pictured myself as a mama, I pictured myself with a girl. I wanted to raise a girl. I wanted to teach her to be strong and self-assured. I felt like I kind of sort of knew what to do with a girl. I'm not sure I know what to do with boys. Plus, I don't know very many adult men who are super close with their mothers and the thought of someday being estranged from this baby makes me want to stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head.

So I cried. A lot. I woke up Tuesday night to go to the bathroom and when I remembered I was having a boy, I ended up crying myself to sleep. And Wednesday I cried. A lot. And then Thursday I was sad, but didn't cry. And today, almost 72 hours after the ultrasound, I'm not even so sad.

So what's helping?

*For one, being able to talk about my disappointment. I have a dear friend who has taught me (and modeled for me) the importance of Mama Honesty. Pregnancy may have been pretty good so far but Motherhood is bound to be a mixed bag. I am learning that I won't do myself any favors by pretending I don't feel how I feel or keeping it a secret because I'm ashamed. So far, I've been blessed with kind ears who have listened to and received my disappointment without any hint of judgment. I'm so thankful that God's love and grace has been extended to me through these thoughtful listeners (you know who you are!)

*I've also found it comforting to read articles online about "gender disappointment." I guess it's way more common than I thought and the articles have helped me see that I don't need to feel guilty for feeling how I feel. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for this baby or not grateful that this baby is healthy. It doesn't make me a bad mom.

*Hearing from parents who love having boys has helped. Friends have told me that having a boy is way better than they even knew it could be. Plus, my friend Duncan brought his new son to school yesterday and let me hold him. He was pretty darn sweet.

*Looking at this has helped:

It's Bambeano's first item from REI. And picturing his tiny little head in this hat makes me feel better. Plus, I think it's cool that the first baby item we bought him came from REI, his dad's favorite store.

*Which leads me to another major reason I'm feeling better.

His dad. The man who also couldn't sleep the night before our ultrasound and who brought me two cake donuts (my favorite) when he picked me up for our appointment. The man who squeezed my hand as we watched our son kick his legs and flail his arms during the ultrasound. The man who insisted we buy a photo album to protect the ultrasound pictures and the man who missed watching LOST on Tuesday night because we were meeting with a doula (birth attendant). He's also the man who patiently rubbed my back every time I cried because we are having a boy. Not once did he tell me to "get over it" or act angry that I was so upset. And when I was crying myself back to sleep after my trip to the bathroom? He rolled over, put his arm around me, and held me tightly until I fell asleep. I receive so much love from this baby's dad who, I now realize, used to be a baby boy. And if our baby boy turns out anything like his dad, well, nothing could be better than that.

*Finally, (I know this is an epic post) looking at the ultrasound pictures and remembering what it felt like to see him kick and move and thinking he was absolutely perfect has helped. He's not just a baby boy, he's my son. My son. And he's awesome. Have you seen his foot? I think it's the cutest thing I've ever seen...

My son's foot

20 weeks

Here are my "half-way" shots:

BOY

Last chance!

Last chance to place your bets on whether Bambeano is a boy or girl! Our ultrasound is tomorrow!!! =)