I alternate between being totally excited for this baby and feeling like maybe this was all a big mistake. Sunday night I was exhausted. And huge. And ready to punch someone in the face because I was so tired of heartburn and backaches and swollen ankles and tiny feet in my ribcage. And I started to cry and said to David, "I think I hate our baby!" =(
It's not true. I don't really hate our baby. But I think the hormones are making me a little crazy. Plus, the baby room is nowhere near being finished and the crib that we found on Craigslist and that was in pristine condition when we bought it is now covered in scratches from our move. David swears he can fix it, but it feels like one more thing we have to do that is putting us "behind." I have friends who aren't due until the fall but their baby's cribs are assembled and unscratched. *Sigh*
We had our 36-week OB appointment yesterday and our CMW (certified nurse midwife) was a little less supportive of our desire for a natural birth than we had hoped. I don't blame her. Sometimes I'm a little less supportive of our desire for a natural birth. I alternate between total confidence that my body knows what to do and complete anxiety that this is the scariest thing I have ever had to do.
In light of all this, I'm trying to give myself permission to feel what I feel. All of it. I'm giving myself permission to sleep in. To spend hours on my couch watching "Arrested Development." To ignore the troubles of the world that usually weigh heavily on my heart and be totally consumed with preparing for this baby. I'm giving myself permission to order take-out and drink caffeinated beverages. I'm giving myself permission to feel ambivalent about birth and motherhood and this baby in particular.
So, if you've been trying to get a hold of me lately (with no success) or anticipate trying to get a hold of me in the next couple of weeks, good luck. I'm probably holed up in my house on the couch watching TV or reading a book, icing my swollen ankles and sipping on a soy latte. If you feel like joining me (and can resist judgment), come on over! =)
6 comments:
God, I love you, Tiff. Just adore you. And this post. And your honesty. And your tender heart. And all your love for your baby. And all your snarkiness and doubts. And I especially love that you're watching "Arrested Development"--one of the most cynical shows in the world--in the days before your birth. If you were waxing poetic about your hopefulness and optimism I might have to shoot you. :)
I love you, too! (And Muser's advice is awesome). Taking care of yourself right now is the most important thing you can be doing, so please DO IT! Which includes letting yourself feel exactly how you feel, even if those feelings don't "fit" with what our culture thinks motherhood should be.
I'm also wondering...is it possible to have BOTH the confidence that your body knows exactly what it needs to do AND the knowledge that this may in fact be the scariest thing you'll do? Seems like both of those are possible...but then I have not been in your shoes.
Shoes which I hope you've left in the closet so your poor swollen feet can be free!
xoxo
A little snark never did anyone harm. :o) Your *honesty* is what makes me so confident in you! I'm sorry that your midwife made you doubt your decision. Sometimes we don't know what our bodies are capable of until we reach that precipice, but I'm sure that it's a scary thing to even think about. Love you, Tiff. Wish I was there drinking a latte with you!
Love,
Emily
Towanda's right...your body does know exactly what it needs to do AND this is the most momentous (substitute "momentous" for "scary") thing you'll ever do.
The best thing you can do for the baby is to take care of yourself right now. It's a little tiny bit out of your lifetime, and the world and its problems will still be there when you're ready again.
I love you! And you know I would TOTALLY drink coffee with you on your couch. Let's talk about when I'm coming out when you're ready.
We're totally going to sit around and lounge when I get there... I can't wait!
<3
Carrie
Don't worry it will be over soon. It is a special time. I am glad you are taking it easy. Love, Patty
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