Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. in total fear and panic. This time it wasn't so much about giving birth (although I frequently panic about that) as it was about being a mother. You see, even though I've wanted to be a mom my whole life, I'm worried that (deep breath, here goes...) I won't like it.
There, I've said it. I'm worried I won't like being a mom. Or that I won't love my baby enough. Or that I will wish he hadn't arrived and messed up the pretty gosh darn good thing David and I have going. And I didn't get the part-time job I applied for at Iliff, which I kind of (ok I totally) blame on the baby. And I'm sad I can't go to the border in August or Liberia in November--places I would love to go but can't because I will have a new baby.
At 4 a.m. I decided to get out of bed. I worried that my tossing and turning was going to wake up David and, after all, he has a job and needed to be somewhere today. So I took my crazy self to the living room and googled "prenatal depression." The website I found said that prenatal depression is fairly common as the due date draws closer and can be compounded by other major life changes like moving (check), loss of or change in employment (check) and loss or change of community (check, check, and check...I no longer see my Iliff or Trinity communities on a regular basis and it is hard...).
I also went to my friend, Muser's blog, and found a link to another mom's blog, which I read until 6 a.m. when David woke up for work and discovered me awake on the couch. Reading her blog helped tremendously. Crying to David helped a lot. Eating an english muffin and then crawling back in bed until 10 a.m. helped too. Sharing my thoughts on this blog helps. Somehow, sending these words out into the universe (or at least the 6 people who read this blog) makes me feel better because the fear and panic are no longer trapped inside my mind for me alone to deal with.
It's daylight and, for now, motherhood seems a little less scary. We'll see...
5 comments:
I love you friend. Thank you for sharing your journey with the more than 6 of us who read your blog. We are walking with you, praying with you, and sending you love.
I am TERRIFIED of being a mother! Absolutely, 100% TERRIFIED. I have all of these fears that certain things will happen again that happened in MY childhood, that I'll be negligent, that I won't even have the CAPACITY (or capability) to love them. I've never been around babies and kids for extended periods of time and I fear that, because of that, I don't have a nurturing bone in my body.
Matt knows all of this and now you do too. I wanted to say it because I know that the beautiful men that we married are STRONG, AMAZING, and so capable of handling our fearful, downtrodden, self-doubting selves. You and I are so alike in our fears and anxieties and I know that God put us both in the right places so that we would end up with Matt & David as our husbands.
You have some great people to back you up on this journey and I know that even if you feel like you're faltering, David will be the first to hold you steady and we'll all be behind him supporting you the whole way. I love you, Tiffany!
~Emily
You have such a capacity to love...and I'm not worried about you. Your mother loves YOU, and HER mother loved HER (and you!). I think you'll like it (most of the time!!!), and when and if you're tired, bring him to Grandma's. :-) I'll pamper you a bit, too! Love you forever...
Of all of my friends, you are the one that I most excited to see become a mother. While you are sharing all of your honest emotions on your blog I feel like I am taking this journey with you, and trust me friend, you are SO ready for Mr. Milo and you are going to be a wonderful mom. Milo is very lucky to have you =)
<3
Carrie
Oh, sweety, what you're feeling is so normal, so natural. And it makes so much sense that so many changes and so many losses would be depressing! I don't know exactly what motherhood will be for you, but I DO know you will love your child and that you will be enough--more than enough. You may find yourself grieving some of the losses of your old life, but you will also find yourself in awe of the new life you have. I remember just days after SparkleEyes was born, while I was very much in the midst of all my postpartum issues, I looked into her tiny stunning face and said, "If I had only known what you would be like, I never would have worried so much!" I didn't know then all that I would go through, but through all of it, I always remained utterly amazed and utterly in love with her. It has all been more than worth it.l I love you. Holding you in thoughts, prayers, and my mama heart!
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