maybe I should keep a journal. maybe not.

I've written a million blog posts that I never published.

Ok, maybe not really a million. But a lot.

I write them because writing helps me think. Writing helps me process. I can think about something all I want, but it isn't until I write it down that it makes sense to me. That it feels clear to me.

I think, sometimes, I should keep a journal instead of a blog. I worry that I overshare. I notice that the blog I started as a way to let our Kansas families know what is happening in Colorado has actually become my place to share my deepest insecurities, greatest joys, and toughest struggles. Weird? Maybe. Maybe I should keep a journal instead. But journals are private and blogs are not. And blogs have this lovely way of reminding you that you are not alone--that others share your insecurities, your joys, and your struggles.

This Lenten season, I have been fasting from facebook. I wrote about my reasons for doing so in this post.

If I try to evaluate the success of my Lenten discipline based solely on whether or not I have stayed off facebook, I am a failure.

I have checked on my friend in Tokyo to see how she is coping with the tremendous loss, tragedy, & grief that Japanese people are experiencing.

I have checked on my friend who had a baby this week. I watched all five of the videos she posted of her sweet, sweet, tiny newborn baby.

I posted a picture of Milo on his baptism day and when he turned 8 months old because, honestly, that kid is just too much for my heart alone to hold and I have to share him with the facebook world.

So, I guess, maybe, I am a failure.

Except, I know that's not true.

I am not a failure. My fast from facebook has not been a failure.

I needed space.

And now, every morning when Milo takes a morning nap, instead of cruising facebook, I've been filling the newly-found space with reading/thinking/praying.

I've been reading "The Power of Pause" by Terry Hershey. I didn't discover Terry on my own. My church is using his book as a resource during this Lenten season.

His chapters are short. And very, very powerful.

I feel like he is speaking to me. Like he is singing my song. Like he knows what my heart needed to hear.

Here are some of his "nuggets" of wisdom that I've found helpful:

We all see "crippled" parts of ourselves that sadden, discourage, infuriate, embarrass, or even repulse us...and we do our best to wish or will or pray them away...the problem is, as long as I'm bent on fixing, repairing, and renovating in order to make myself more presentable or lovable or acceptable, I am postponing the ability to receive any gifts (from you or from God) in the moment I have right now. (61)

Granted, there are flawed and weak parts that could change. But we can't change anything until we can love it. We can't love anything until we can know it. We can't know anything until we can embrace it. (62)

To be blessed is to know that I am loved by a gracious Creator, and that I can own and celebrate my identity, knowing it is enough. (72)

Here is the power of space. With space we are able to receive, and our lives are fueled by gratitude. (75)

So, I guess I will keep writing blog posts. Some will get "published" and others won't. But one thing is certain. I am learning to embrace. To love. And to celebrate my identity.