milo's first year

happy 1st birthday, milo!

Happy day, Milo! Today is your birthday! Your first birthday.

I can hardly type those words without feeling a catch in my breath. In so many ways it doesn't seem possible that you were born a year ago. Becoming a mama is a big, big thing and I remember it like it just happened. I remember the waiting, oh the waiting, and the contracting, oh the contracting, and the pushing, sweet mother of all that is holy the PUSHING...

And then you were born.

You made me a mama in that moment. That very moment.

Yes, Milo, in so many ways it doesn't seem possible that 12 months have passed since you were born.

And, yet, in other ways, I feel like I'm a million miles from that moment.

A million miles.

You were a newborn. And now, one year later, you are a little person! And you are an AMAZING little person. Smart and sweet and charming and adorable and funny! You like to make us laugh. You like to read books on my lap and, when I finish reading one, you go to the basket and bring me a new one to read.

You love balls. We were at Old Navy this week and I was carrying you. We walked past a bin of soccer balls and you reached out your arm and said, "BALL." Your first word. "Ball." We wanted to declare you gifted on the spot and send you to genius school.

You are a good eater. For the most part. Anything you don't want to eat, you throw on the ground for the puppies to eat. It's a behavior we are trying to curb but that is proving difficult to eliminate because you're so omg! cute when you lean over the side and laugh as the dogs lick avocado off your fingers.

And I think my favorite thing about you right now is the sing songy thing you do in the car. I have the music on and you "sing" in your car seat. Makes. my. mama. heart. melttttt.

Yes, Milo, you have come a long way in one year.

But you're not the only one.

I am different than the person I was a year ago. Different and, I hope, better.

I have learned so much from being your mama. I'm learning how to let go. How to let go of being organized, being tidy, being on time, and being perfect.

I'm learning to forgive myself.

I'm learning to trust myself.

I'm learning to be present. You taught me that, Milo. I can't keep you from growing up and I can't rewind time, but I CAN be so fully present in each moment that I don't have any regrets.

I'm learning how much goodness there is in the world. How can I doubt God's goodness when I see your face?

And I am learning to love in a way I never knew was possible. I know, I know. Everyone says it. I'm not saying anything new. But, it's true. I love you with this fierce, instinctual, and unconditional love that I've never experienced before.

Milo, I was so afraid of your first birthday. I think I've been dreading it since you turned one month old. Silly, I know. But that's how I felt. I think I worried that, once you turned one, you wouldn't be my baby anymore. I've started weaning you now. And it's another indication that you are growing up. No longer my baby.

But, now your first birthday has come and gone. And it's not so bad. This morning I went in your room to get you and you were standing up in your crib. When you saw me, you laughed and then reached your arms up to me. I picked you up. You put your head on my shoulder and you patted me.

No it's not so bad having a one-year-old. In fact, it's really, really great.

And, honestly, it doesn't matter HOW OLD you get.

Because I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living,

my baby you'll be.

Happy first birthday, Milo. I love you with my whole self.

Love,

Mama

because I haven't posted a video lately

hobbies

I googled "hobby."

Here's what wikipedia says about hobbies:

A hobby is a regular activity or interest that is undertaken for pleasure, typically done during one's leisure time.

I *think* that I used to have hobbies. You know, like, before my kid arrived.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my son. I super duper love him. And I love being a mom.

But my baby is almost one. And I recently turned 30. And I decided it was time to have some hobbies again.

I had to think kind of hard to remember what I used to like to do.

Here's what I came up with:

*Reading

I used to read. A LOT. Then I went to seminary and I read a bunch of books that made me smarter. Then I had a baby and I got way dumber. I realized that, in the past 12 months, I've read a gazillion books about getting your baby to sleep, what to feed your baby, and how to create a healthy & happy kid. I've also read Brown Bear, Brown Bear and The Very Hungry Caterpillar but I don't think board books count. I DID read the Hunger Games books (thanks Carrie!) and LOVED them, but they're written for young adults so I'm not sure I should feel super proud that they're the only books without pictures that I read last year. (If you have recommendations, send me titles!)

*Running

I used to run. Before I got pregnant, I trained for and ran a 10K. That's 6.2 miles. It's also the number of miles I've run since Milo was born. (Ok, not really, but close!) I'm afraid to say it out loud, but I'm on the fence about signing up for a half-marathon and trying to train for it.

*Scrapbooking

I know, I know. Scrapbooking is totally a stay-at-home mom thing to do. But, actually I haven't scrapbooked AT ALL since Milo was born. Which is really sad. Not only because I miss it, but because this blog is the closest thing to a baby book that Milo has and I don't know if I want him reading all my "mama confessions."

Also, I think there are some new hobbies I'd like to pursue. Things I've never done or am not very good at but have decided that I should try anyway because life is too short to be afraid of failure.

For example, I'd really like to take swim lessons. Yes, I can swim. But not very well. And I don't want to be a super star swimmer, but I really would like to be a better swimmer. And this hobby is really scary to me because I have to a.) get in a bathing suit and b.) not be embarrassed about taking swim lessons even though I'm 30.

Also, I want to take Spanish. I took 3 years in highschool and used it when I was a teacher but I've forgotten most of what I used to know. My new job will give me lots of opportunities to speak Spanish and so I want to become more fluent.

Finally, I haven't said anything on the blog, but I've been thinking for awhile that I would like to become a certified labor doula. I've had the joy and privilege of walking with a couple of friends as they transition into mamahood and have discovered I have a real passion for pregnancy, birth, and babies.

So there you have it. The hobbies I'm hoping to reclaim and the hobbies I might try on for size. I'll keep y'all posted!

30, flirty, & thriving

On my 30th birthday, I got spoiled.

A pedicure with my mama...

Lunch & cake with my family and favorite boy...

And a night on the town with my favorite man.

We had a yummy sushi dinner at "Drunken Fish"...

(My favorite birthday gift? The totally impractical and totally fabulous black dress my mom bought me to wear!)

and walked around the Power & Light district...

and stayed in a hotel with a fantastic view of downtown KC...

and had coffee & dessert on the 42nd floor of the hotel...

I'm pretty sure I'm the luckiest person on the planet.

We live fairly ordinary lives. But, for one day, it sure was wonderful to feel glamorous and EXTRAordinary!

finding our groove

I haven't been blogging.

I've written lots of blog posts in my mind, but haven't sat down to actually write them.

Partly because I'm busy.

And partly because I worry.

I started this blog because we had family in Kansas who wanted to know what was going on in Colorado.

Now, we live in Kansas again.

I worry that blogging makes me self-centered. That maybe I reveal too much. That maybe nobody is even interested in the things I'm blogging about.

But, here's the truth:

I really love blogging.

I like having an outlet. I like writing. I like documenting.

And, so, I guess I will keep blogging. And it will be up to YOU to decide if you want to keep reading.

We are slowly finding a groove.

David started his job and, for the most part, he likes it. I know people start new jobs all the time, but watching David make this transition has made me love him even more. I think he's really brave for starting over in a new hospital. He's working nights, which is a big adjustment, but he's doing great.

I have a new job in the works. I'll write more about it when the details are firmed up a little, but I'm really excited. I feel surprised and humbled by how perfect of a fit it seems for me and my little family.

We are still at my mom's and are getting comfortable. Yes, it has been an adjustment for all of us. Yes, we miss some of our privacy and independence. Yes, my mom is probably tired of baby crap being all over everything and also our super barky and annoying dogs. BUT, there are advantages to living in community. Like, for example, the fact that David and I can leave the house after Milo goes to bed! We can go for a walk or run an errand or go get icecream because Milo isn't home alone! And, sometimes, there are evenings when David is grilling and I'm in the kitchen finishing dinner and my mom is giving Milo a bath that I wonder how anyone does this parenting thing without a live-in grandparent. Sometimes, it's really, really nice.

I turned 30. I'll post some pictures later because it really was a spectacular birthday. But, for now, I'll just say that I'm excited about turning 30.

We just got back from a week in Tahoe with my sister and her family. I'll post pictures of that later, too.

Yes, we are slowly, slowly, finding our groove...

happy 11 months, milo!

Happy day, Milo! You are 11 months old!

I'm sorry your letter is so late this month. Mama has had a lot on her mind. BUT, I love you all the same, I promise.

Your 11th month brought BIG changes! Most notable is that YOU MOVED TO KANSAS! You were such a good boy during the move, Milo. You took everything in stride. The big boxes, the commotion of loading the truck, the looooooong drive, the late night hotel stay in Hays, and then moving in with Grandma. You were flexible, sweet, and charming. Really, you amazed me.

You seem to like Kansas. We took you to the pool for the first time and you loved the water. You like to splash and you laugh when Daddy throws you up high.

You rode on the back of Daddy's bike for the first time. (And, YES, you have your own helmet!) You like it when Daddy rides fast. Mommy just has to trust Daddy. And pray.

You started giving high 5's and clapping. It's pretty adorable.

And, best of all, you seem to be thriving on all the extra love and attention you've been receiving from your big, big, big Kansas family. Whenever Mama starts to miss Colorado or feels like maybe this was a mistake, I remember how big your grin gets when you see one of your grandparents. And I remember how important it is to your dad and me that you have a big family who loves you.

Milo, part of the reason your letter is late this month is because we've been busy. But part of the reason is because this is your 11 month letter. And that means that next month is your twelve month letter. It means you are almost one year old. One year old.

My heart aches a little when I think about you turning one year old. I'm so proud of you and of us for making it. This was the biggest year of my life. And I know that, God willing, we have many, many years in front of us to celebrate you.

But, you are my first baby. You are the baby that made me a mama. And it has been almost one year since you blasted my old life into pieces and helped me create a new life. One year since you made my heart grow 10 times bigger. One year since you were born.

Sometimes we look at you and we say, "When did our baby become a little boy?" Because you are. You are becoming a little boy. And that is ok because that is what you are supposed to do.

But, for your mama, it is bittersweet.

Anyway, you're not one year old yet. Today, you are still my 11-month-old. And today, just like yesterday and tomorrow, I love you with my whole heart.

Love,

Mama