Dignity, Not Detention

Monday night our JustFaith group at Trinity was part of the monthly vigil outside the immigrant detention center in Aurora. The American Friends Service Committee recently launched a national campaign called, "Dignity, Not Detention: Preserving Human Rights and Restoring Justice."

Over 300,000 immigrants are detained each year in a secretive web of 350 private, federal, state and local jails at an annual cost of more than $1.7 billion to taxpayers. In Aurora, driving without a license can land an immigrant in detention. Immigrants can be detained for months, or even years, without any meaningful judicial review or access to a lawyer. While detained, immigrants face mistreatment by guards, denial of medical care, and separation from family members and loved ones.

The campaign calls for an end to detention expansion and seeks to expose how profit-driven expansion of the detention system is inhumane and unjust. The campaign has 4 main goals: reduce detention spending by the Obama administration, demand the use of secure release options as a meaningful alternative to detention, restore due process to immigrant laws, and end expansion of enforcement programs (i.e. ICE access) that are contributing to the growth of the detention system.

Monday night we gathered on the corner of 30th and Peoria to hold signs and light candles. We affirmed our belief that the immigration system is horribly broken and that, as people of faith, we are called to seek justice for all God's people. After a brief period on the corner, we then walked along the sidewalk to the detention center that is tucked back away from the street. We stood outside the center's windows and we alternated singing with chanting. We chanted, "Dignity, not detention" and we sang "We Shall Overcome" in both Spanish and English.

There were enough of us present that eventually detainees started coming to the windows to look out at us. They waved to us. We waved back. We were separated by glass and bars and razor fences. We sang louder.

One of the men in our group walked up and down the sidewalk slowly so that the immigrants could read his sign. In English it said, "You are not forgotten" and in Spanish it said, "I'm thinking only of you."

It was horrible and wonderful all at the same time. And it was humbling. I've been spending so much time lately thinking about jogging strollers and car seats and this baby...I couldn't help but wonder how many of them had babies at home who were missing their mamas and daddies. It makes my heart sad.

To read more about the campaign or to sign the "Dignity, not detention" statement, click here.

The cover of this month's Sojourners. "Citizen or criminal?"

A Mama Confession

This pregnancy has been pretty easy. Even though I had some first trimester queasiness, I never got sick and all queasiness disappeared around week 13. I feel great. I'm still sleeping well. I'm gaining the right amount of weight. Pregnancy = piece of cake.

Or so I thought.

Tuesday was our big ultrasound day. I was SO excited. In fact, I had trouble sleeping Monday night because I couldn't believe it was finally time to get a peek at our little Bambeano. We showed up 30 minutes early for our appointment. And when the technician had me lay down and started the ultrasound, it was everything I had hoped it would be. We got to see Bambeano's face and little arms and little legs and tiny feet (complete with tiny toes). We could see and hear Bambeano's tiny heart beating. Music to my ears. I knew I was falling in love and, in my head, I was constructing my next blog post about the moment I had totally and utterly fallen in love with my baby.

And then this popped up on the ultrasound screen:

And the technician smiled and announced, "That's a boy part alright! You're having a boy."

I was fine at first. We went to lunch--I was fine. We called our families--I was fine. We went to Target to buy a photo album for the ultrasound pics and walked up and down the baby aisles. There was a LOT of pink--I was mostly fine.

And then, when we got home, I was making dinner and all of a sudden I started crying and couldn't stop. David, the ever-concerned and thoughtful husband, rushed over to see what was wrong, probably thinking I had cut or burned myself in the kitchen. Nope. I somehow sobbed out to him, "I don't WANT a boy!!!"

And it's true. For the last 20 weeks I've been convinced this baby was a girl. All my baby dreams have been about a baby girl. I didn't want a boy. Boys were something that other people had. I was supposed to have girls.

I'm not sure why I feel this way. I mean, I guess I should have known I had a 50% chance of having a baby boy.

But whenever I pictured myself as a mama, I pictured myself with a girl. I wanted to raise a girl. I wanted to teach her to be strong and self-assured. I felt like I kind of sort of knew what to do with a girl. I'm not sure I know what to do with boys. Plus, I don't know very many adult men who are super close with their mothers and the thought of someday being estranged from this baby makes me want to stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head.

So I cried. A lot. I woke up Tuesday night to go to the bathroom and when I remembered I was having a boy, I ended up crying myself to sleep. And Wednesday I cried. A lot. And then Thursday I was sad, but didn't cry. And today, almost 72 hours after the ultrasound, I'm not even so sad.

So what's helping?

*For one, being able to talk about my disappointment. I have a dear friend who has taught me (and modeled for me) the importance of Mama Honesty. Pregnancy may have been pretty good so far but Motherhood is bound to be a mixed bag. I am learning that I won't do myself any favors by pretending I don't feel how I feel or keeping it a secret because I'm ashamed. So far, I've been blessed with kind ears who have listened to and received my disappointment without any hint of judgment. I'm so thankful that God's love and grace has been extended to me through these thoughtful listeners (you know who you are!)

*I've also found it comforting to read articles online about "gender disappointment." I guess it's way more common than I thought and the articles have helped me see that I don't need to feel guilty for feeling how I feel. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for this baby or not grateful that this baby is healthy. It doesn't make me a bad mom.

*Hearing from parents who love having boys has helped. Friends have told me that having a boy is way better than they even knew it could be. Plus, my friend Duncan brought his new son to school yesterday and let me hold him. He was pretty darn sweet.

*Looking at this has helped:

It's Bambeano's first item from REI. And picturing his tiny little head in this hat makes me feel better. Plus, I think it's cool that the first baby item we bought him came from REI, his dad's favorite store.

*Which leads me to another major reason I'm feeling better.

His dad. The man who also couldn't sleep the night before our ultrasound and who brought me two cake donuts (my favorite) when he picked me up for our appointment. The man who squeezed my hand as we watched our son kick his legs and flail his arms during the ultrasound. The man who insisted we buy a photo album to protect the ultrasound pictures and the man who missed watching LOST on Tuesday night because we were meeting with a doula (birth attendant). He's also the man who patiently rubbed my back every time I cried because we are having a boy. Not once did he tell me to "get over it" or act angry that I was so upset. And when I was crying myself back to sleep after my trip to the bathroom? He rolled over, put his arm around me, and held me tightly until I fell asleep. I receive so much love from this baby's dad who, I now realize, used to be a baby boy. And if our baby boy turns out anything like his dad, well, nothing could be better than that.

*Finally, (I know this is an epic post) looking at the ultrasound pictures and remembering what it felt like to see him kick and move and thinking he was absolutely perfect has helped. He's not just a baby boy, he's my son. My son. And he's awesome. Have you seen his foot? I think it's the cutest thing I've ever seen...

My son's foot

20 weeks

Here are my "half-way" shots:

BOY

Last chance!

Last chance to place your bets on whether Bambeano is a boy or girl! Our ultrasound is tomorrow!!! =)

Eat. Pray. Love.

The 3 things I did last weekend: Eat. Pray. Love.

We stayed at the Retreat House at the Abbey of St. Walburga in Virginia Dale, Colorado (almost in Wyoming). The nuns were extremely hospitable and cooked us delicious meals that we ate family style. There was an abundance of hot tea and cocoa available whenever we needed it--which was good since we were numb from the cold most of the weekend!

We prayed 6 times with the nuns during the 24 hours we were there. While I admire their faithfulness, I learned the monastic lifestyle is certainly NOT for me. Especially when the alarm went off at 4:15 a.m. for morning prayers!!!

However, I did enjoy the evening prayers last night and the silence of having my own room to read, pray, and of course, nap. =)

I did some reading about St. Benedict and the Rule of Benedict (St. Walburga is a Benedictine community) and one of the "nuggets" that sticks with me is the following:

If you listen, you will hear what your heart would like to say. One thing stays with us always, present whether pursued or not, and that is the call to the center of ourselves where the God we are seeking is seeking us.

In addition to eating and praying, I was able to soak up a lot of love from three dear friends who were also on the retreat, as well as enjoy some love from older women in my church community. Oh, how I love being part of a church!

AND, I think Bambeano loved being there because s/he was moving a lot! I'm really starting to love that kid...

Lent Lover

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and marked the beginning of the Lenten season. I have to admit, I totally love Lent.

This year the young adult group I lead at Trinity is using Sarah Parsons' A Clearing Season for our Lenten study. Here's some of what she has to say about Lent:

Lent is not all about penitence or misdeeds or guilt. It is a time of introspection, true, but its ultimate purpose lies beyond penitence. In essence Lent serves as our annual invitation to come closer to God.

If we picture all the obstructions between us and God as a wilderness, Lent presents us with time to clear and cultivate a part of that wilderness, to create an open space in it. In this newly opened space, we may live more freely and commune more closely with the divine.

Parsons' notion of "clearing space" suggests that we make space in the middle of the wilderness to be present to God. She argues that Lent begins in the wilderness and uses Jesus' experience in the wilderness to demonstrate that the wilderness is an important and valuable place.

We tend, especially in Western society, to separate ourselves from discomfort or chaos. This passage [the story of Jesus in the wilderness] counsels us to try a different approach. It encourages us to sit in the uncomfortable, chaotic place, possibly for a long time. Rather than running from the wilderness, Jesus stays there as long as necessary, long enough to experience it fully.

I find her words comforting and believe a more friendly attitude toward my own feelings of being in the wilderness (um, feeling totally lost about graduating but having no job and trying to decide where we will begin our lives with this baby) would be very helpful.

Part of my own efforts to "clear some space" include spending less time on Facebook and watching TV. I find that I waste hours of time on things that don't really make my life more full and I'm attempting to remedy some of that.

This weekend I am lucky enough to be going on a Contemplative Women's Retreat. We will spend 24 hours at an abbey in Colorado, and we will pray the hours with the nuns, have our own room, and spend time in prayer and reflection. I have never been on this kind of retreat before and don't know if I will know what to "do," BUT, I am hopeful that it will be an important part of this Lenten/clearing season.