A Mama Confession: Giving Myself Permission

Our due date is less than 4 weeks away.

I alternate between being totally excited for this baby and feeling like maybe this was all a big mistake. Sunday night I was exhausted. And huge. And ready to punch someone in the face because I was so tired of heartburn and backaches and swollen ankles and tiny feet in my ribcage. And I started to cry and said to David, "I think I hate our baby!" =(

It's not true. I don't really hate our baby. But I think the hormones are making me a little crazy. Plus, the baby room is nowhere near being finished and the crib that we found on Craigslist and that was in pristine condition when we bought it is now covered in scratches from our move. David swears he can fix it, but it feels like one more thing we have to do that is putting us "behind." I have friends who aren't due until the fall but their baby's cribs are assembled and unscratched. *Sigh*

We had our 36-week OB appointment yesterday and our CMW (certified nurse midwife) was a little less supportive of our desire for a natural birth than we had hoped. I don't blame her. Sometimes I'm a little less supportive of our desire for a natural birth. I alternate between total confidence that my body knows what to do and complete anxiety that this is the scariest thing I have ever had to do.

In light of all this, I'm trying to give myself permission to feel what I feel. All of it. I'm giving myself permission to sleep in. To spend hours on my couch watching "Arrested Development." To ignore the troubles of the world that usually weigh heavily on my heart and be totally consumed with preparing for this baby. I'm giving myself permission to order take-out and drink caffeinated beverages. I'm giving myself permission to feel ambivalent about birth and motherhood and this baby in particular.

So, if you've been trying to get a hold of me lately (with no success) or anticipate trying to get a hold of me in the next couple of weeks, good luck. I'm probably holed up in my house on the couch watching TV or reading a book, icing my swollen ankles and sipping on a soy latte. If you feel like joining me (and can resist judgment), come on over! =)

Time to Party!

Once graduation was over, it was time to party! Saturday we headed to Colorado Springs and visited Garden of the Gods and Seven Falls.

Saturday night we had a party at our new house. David grilled burgers and we had LOTS of yummy food (thanks to my mom, Patty, Lauren, and Greta). Hooray for parties!

Graduation!

It's official. I've earned my Master of Divinity degree!

Lauren, my mom & brother, Steve & Patty all arrived Thursday afternoon to begin the festivities. Steve helped David get the back yard ready and the girls shopped for party food. (After we got pedicures!)

We had an early dinner at Maggiano's Little Italy before the graduation ceremony on Friday night. I was SUPER hot during the ceremony (Thanks to Bambeano) but enjoyed it anyway. For me, the most special part was the "dialogue" between professors and students.

My advisor had this to say:

"Don't retreat back into an uncritical faith or stay forever in the place of deconstruction and endless questioning. Join the company of those who are rebuilding. This is your job, to help these ancient traditions speak good news to a hurting world."

To which I responded:

"Like the story of Jacob who wrestled with the Angel, many of us feel like our time in seminary has been one long night of wrestling--full of doubt, fear, struggle, anxiety, and even pain. Today, however, you are here to witness that we walk away blessed--we may also walk with a limp--but we carry our blessing with us."

It's hard to believe graduation has come and gone. A BIG thank you to my family for being here to help me celebrate!

Retreat

Last weekend was our Just Faith retreat at Mother Cabrini Shrine.

The Retreat House

The Gazebo

A view of the shrine (I made it to the top!)

A view of downtown from the retreat house.

I love the mountains!

Baby Shower in Denver

I don't have all the pictures from last weekend's shower, but here are a few that my mom took. It was a very special day!

My mom flew out for the weekend =)

The hostesses:

Mandy, Lorissa, and Greta

Greta wrote and led a "Mother Blessing Prayer for Tiffany," which was my favorite part:

God, you who birthed us and nurtured us, be present with us in this moment as we celebrate new life and ask your blessing over our sister, daughter, and dear friend, Tiffany. God in your grace,

Hear our prayer.

We give you thanks, Mother God, for those who have come before. For the countless generations of women who have brought your miraculous life into this world time and time again. May their strength and wisdom be a blessing for our friend now, as she becomes a mother. We give you thanks for Iva Lee, Tiffany's mother, and hold her in your love and grace as she becomes a grandmother. God in your grace,

Hear our prayer.

God of compassion, we give you thanks for those who prepare the way for this new child. For friends and family. For Tiffany, who works diligently and stands courageously on the side of justice and truth. For the child's father, David, who cares for and heals your children who are sick, hurt, and addicted. For every person, everywhere, who is making this world a better place for children to live. God in your grace,

Hear our prayer.

Tiffany, may you feel God's spirit of peace--for good health and calm nerves. For smooth doctor checkups. For an abundance of stretchy pants and as much sleep as you can possibly get. For joy and wonder. God in your grace,

Hear our prayer.

To the new baby, you who are growing, kicking, and making yourself known already--we don't even know you yet, but we love you. Do us a favor and be as good as possible to your parents. When it comes time to be born, be brave. We cannot wait to welcome you! God in your grace,

Hear our prayer.

And now, may the Spirit of the Living God, made known to us most fully in Jesus Christ, go before you to help prepare the way for this child. May it go beside you, so you know you are never alone. And may it dwell within you to remind you that you are loved beyond your wildest imagination. Amen.

***

I am a very, very lucky woman indeed.

Waiting for Baby

Our friend, Todd, was in Denver a couple weeks ago and took these pictures for us. We are SO pleased and think he did a fabulous job!

"All the time we wondered and wondered,

who is this person coming

growing

turning

floating

swimming

deep, deep inside."

--Crescent Dragonwagon

David Baker, RN