right now

I haven't been blogging. Right now, we're busy. Adjusting. Again.

I started work as the Associate of Discipleship Ministries at our church in Olathe on August 7th.

I. love. it.

I love my co-workers. I love my bosses. I love the work I'm doing. I love seeing familiar faces we left 4 years ago. I love seeing new faces. And, confession time, I love being away from my baby for 20 hours a week. I wasn't sure I could do it. But I LOVE the mornings that I wake up, shower, and GO TO WORK WITHOUT THE BABY. Plus, now that I am away from him more regularly, it makes the time I AM with him that much sweeter.

I'm working at both sites, our big church and the Center of Grace where they offer community meals, a clothing closet, ESL, and afterschool tutoring. Right now, my work at the Center is undefined. My supervisor is giving me time to grow into the work. To get to know the place. To let the work I'm supposed to do find ME. (I know, right? This job is really too good to be true...)

Even though it's good, I like to find things to worry about. Like my never-ending agony about whether or not to be ordained. Or whether I might someday return to public schools to teach. But right now, it's good.

Also, I'm in week 2 of training for my half marathon. My training right now looks like this:

*An "easy" run twice a week. Right now, my easy run is 2 miles. And, by golly, it IS getting easy to run two miles!

*A "long" run on Saturdays. Right now, my long run is 3 miles. Next Saturday, it will be 4 miles. And so on.

*Rest, stretch, walk on my "off days."

I need to stretch more. My hamstrings are freakishly inflexible which makes my lower back sore if I don't stretch. And also my abs have been sore. Yes, sore abs from running. David says it's because my ab muscles separated when I was pregnant to make space for the baby and that it takes time for ab muscles to "grow" back together. Ick. Seriously, add "ab muscle separation" to the list of things nobody told me before I got pregnant.

I worry about how I'll ever get up to 13 miles. But, I trust it will happen. Running is teaching me that things take time. Right now, I can run 3 miles. And that's 3 miles more than I WAS running before I signed up for this race.

Also, we're still living at my mom's. The tapes in my head like to tell me this makes me a loser. That we SHOULD have our own house.

But, honestly? Right now, it's pretty great.

We are taking advantage of the opportunity to save money & pay off student loan debt. People ask us how long we'll live here and we don't know how to answer. We say, right now, it's working.

That's it in a nutshell. For right now anyway.

lily

3 weeks ago, I had the honor & privilege of being present at my "niece's" birth. It was a day I won't soon forget.

Last week, I returned to Arkansas and spent some time with my soul-sister and her new little family. It was SO special to see her as a new mama. She's amazing!

And Lily? Well, I'm in love.

should-ing all over myself

Milo is napping and there are so many things I should be doing.

I should be loading the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher.

I should be steaming more green vegetables for him to eat.

I should be running.

I should be showering.

I should call my friend I haven't talked to in awhile.

I should be paying bills.

I should finish writing thank-you notes for Milo's birthday gifts.

I should. I should. I should.

Confession: It isn't just when Milo is napping that I feel the shoulds. Lately, I've been hearing a lot of shoulds.

I should be more excited to start my new job.

I should be better with money.

I should be more frugal.

I should be more generous.

I should be nicer to my dogs. I should walk them more.

I should be more attentive when my husband tells me about work.

I should be more engaged when Milo is awake.

I should be tidier. Less messy. More organized.

I should eat better.

I should exercise more.

I should be more involved with what's going on in the "real" world. I should have written my congress person about the debt ceiling.

I should live in my own house.

I should have more friends.

I should be more grateful.

I should be different.

More.

Better.

Yes, it has been a good ole should shitstorm in my mind lately.

(See, I just told myself I should not say "shit" on a blog my mother reads...)

It feels really icky.

And I don't want to live like that.

Something I've noticed? When I feel really critical of others, it's mostly because I'm feeling really critical of myself.

I don't want to live like that either.

I want to find space where it's silent. Where the shoulds are quiet. Where there is no judgment.

One of the 2.3 billion reasons that being a mama is scary is because if I don't get MY shoulds under control, then I will start to should my son. I can feel it already. He should be walking. He should be weaned already. He should know more words.

I don't want that for him. And I can't make space for Milo to be himself, just as he is, if I can't also make space for myself. Just as I am.

Before we left Denver, a friend of mine gave me a gift. A book called There is Nothing Wrong with You.

Sounds self-helpy? Yes, my friend thinks so too. And told me so. And so I didn't read it because I should not need self-help books.

But, I've started reading it. And I love it. It's written by Cheri Huber, founder of the Zen Monastery Peace Center in California and Living Compassion, a nonprofit dedicated to peace and service.

I'll say more as I read more, but here's what I'm repeating to myself today: "If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago..."

training::day one::epic fail

I had psyched myself up to start training today. I was going to run 2 miles. If you read my last post, you know that 2 miles is double what I can comfortably run.

David was feeding the baby breakfast.

I put on my running shoes and my ratty running clothes. (Seriously, I think my sports bra is from my college days.)

I discovered that my ipod wasn't charged. No worries. I plugged in my mac and pulled up my "run" playlist.

I made it 1 minute and 53 seconds into my run before the belt on the treadmill broke.

I can't run outside because it's only 8 AM and already 1 gazillion degrees.

Day one: epic fail.

*Updated: I put the baby down for a nap and discovered it wasn't THAT hot out yet. I walked one lap around my neighborhood. Not great, but something!*

let the training begin!

OMG. I did it.

I registered for a half marathon.

OMG.

I can think of one billion reasons why that was a bad idea.

#1. I'm out of shape.

#2. I hate running. (Ok, that's not true. I LIKE running when I'm in shape. See reason #1.)

#3. I've only done ONE 10K.

#4. A half marathon is 13. 1 miles. OMG. THIRTEEN POINT ONE MILES. It might take me thirteen point ONE days to finish.

#5. I have a one-year-old. Finding time to get in shape isn't easy.

#6. I have hypoglycemia. It makes it hard to know what to eat in order to run long distances. I've put my hubby, the nurse and former athletic trainer, in charge of designing a nutrition plan for me.

#7. I'm out of shape.

#8. I'm out of shape.

#1 billion: I'm out of shape.

But here's the thing. I really want to do it. It's been in the back corner of my mind for a couple of years. And maybe there's no better time than NOW. When I just turned 30.

I'm excited. For real. And here's why:

#1. The race is in California. It's one of the flattest courses in the US. AND, it's next to the beach. Bonus.

#2. David & I are running it together. I love him. And I love running with him.

#3. Combine reason #1 with reason #2. It will be a vacation WITH him and WITHOUT the baby. California + David = poolside with umbrella drinks. OMG, that's enough motivation to run 13.1 miles right there.

I know it won't be easy. Right now I can run one, count it, ONE mile without dying. But, here's what I'm trying to remember:

#1. I didn't think I could ever run 6.2 miles. But I did.

#2. I gave birth. See this?

This never-seen-before-on-the-internet picture is of me pushing a baby out of my body. Surely, if I can push a baby out for 3 hours, I can run 13.1 miles.

We'll see. I'll keep y'all posted.

milo's first year

happy 1st birthday, milo!

Happy day, Milo! Today is your birthday! Your first birthday.

I can hardly type those words without feeling a catch in my breath. In so many ways it doesn't seem possible that you were born a year ago. Becoming a mama is a big, big thing and I remember it like it just happened. I remember the waiting, oh the waiting, and the contracting, oh the contracting, and the pushing, sweet mother of all that is holy the PUSHING...

And then you were born.

You made me a mama in that moment. That very moment.

Yes, Milo, in so many ways it doesn't seem possible that 12 months have passed since you were born.

And, yet, in other ways, I feel like I'm a million miles from that moment.

A million miles.

You were a newborn. And now, one year later, you are a little person! And you are an AMAZING little person. Smart and sweet and charming and adorable and funny! You like to make us laugh. You like to read books on my lap and, when I finish reading one, you go to the basket and bring me a new one to read.

You love balls. We were at Old Navy this week and I was carrying you. We walked past a bin of soccer balls and you reached out your arm and said, "BALL." Your first word. "Ball." We wanted to declare you gifted on the spot and send you to genius school.

You are a good eater. For the most part. Anything you don't want to eat, you throw on the ground for the puppies to eat. It's a behavior we are trying to curb but that is proving difficult to eliminate because you're so omg! cute when you lean over the side and laugh as the dogs lick avocado off your fingers.

And I think my favorite thing about you right now is the sing songy thing you do in the car. I have the music on and you "sing" in your car seat. Makes. my. mama. heart. melttttt.

Yes, Milo, you have come a long way in one year.

But you're not the only one.

I am different than the person I was a year ago. Different and, I hope, better.

I have learned so much from being your mama. I'm learning how to let go. How to let go of being organized, being tidy, being on time, and being perfect.

I'm learning to forgive myself.

I'm learning to trust myself.

I'm learning to be present. You taught me that, Milo. I can't keep you from growing up and I can't rewind time, but I CAN be so fully present in each moment that I don't have any regrets.

I'm learning how much goodness there is in the world. How can I doubt God's goodness when I see your face?

And I am learning to love in a way I never knew was possible. I know, I know. Everyone says it. I'm not saying anything new. But, it's true. I love you with this fierce, instinctual, and unconditional love that I've never experienced before.

Milo, I was so afraid of your first birthday. I think I've been dreading it since you turned one month old. Silly, I know. But that's how I felt. I think I worried that, once you turned one, you wouldn't be my baby anymore. I've started weaning you now. And it's another indication that you are growing up. No longer my baby.

But, now your first birthday has come and gone. And it's not so bad. This morning I went in your room to get you and you were standing up in your crib. When you saw me, you laughed and then reached your arms up to me. I picked you up. You put your head on my shoulder and you patted me.

No it's not so bad having a one-year-old. In fact, it's really, really great.

And, honestly, it doesn't matter HOW OLD you get.

Because I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living,

my baby you'll be.

Happy first birthday, Milo. I love you with my whole self.

Love,

Mama