Most days...but not today.

Most days I am THRILLED about being pregnant. I wake up and cannot believe that I am lucky enough to have a baby growing inside me that is making me a mom. Most days I feel warm and fuzzy toward this unborn baby and my heart feels so swollen with love for it that I worry it might burst.

Today is not one of those days.

Today I am tired. And I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling sick all the time and trying to force food down my throat. I'm so irritable that I took off my snow boot and threw it at my dog (don't worry, it missed him). Today, I'm not sure I even like this baby. I feel like telling it to hit the road and find some other sucker to grow it.

Lucky for me, a package arrived in the mail today. My friend Carrie sent me a book called, "What to Expect When You're Expected." It is from the perspective of the unborn fetus and it is hilarious.

Here are a few of my favorite excerpts:

"Why is Mommy throwing up all the time?"

Short answer: You make her sick.

Long answer: She's suffering from a condition called morning sickness. In truth, the name is a double misnomer--not only can its symptoms strike at any and all hours, but as the daily result of a voluntary condition, it is technically not a sickness but a lifestyle choice.

On Nutrition

Ordering all your meals in is convenient. But it's also risky. You're putting your diet in Mommy's hands, and good nutrition is not something Americans are known for. The old cliche that pregnant women are "eating for two" is true only insofar as every American eats for two. At least two. Five, in Alabama. Many expectant moms have even come to believe that eating healthy may endanger their unborn child. They fear it will set him up as an outcast in a society that, at some point in the nineties, deemed the burrito a worthy addition to the breakfast table.

(And perhaps my favorite one for the day...)

Parental Diagnosis

Eyes, hair color, personality: Fetalcy is a time of uncertainty when it comes to many subjects. Most of these prompt little more than fun debate. But there's one question no embryo likes to joke about, one few even want to discuss: "Are my parents idiots?'

Until recently, that question could only be answered at birth. But breakthroughs in the field of parental diagnosis mean it's now possible to find out as early as the middle of the first trimester whether your mommy and daddy have any idea what they're doing.

There are now dozens of tests used to help determine if your parents are neither all that nor a bag of chips. These include analyses of TV habits, iPod playlists, ball-scratching frequency, even voting records. (Nader '04=mandatory adoption)

***

Most days I might think this book is crude, crass, and not lovey-dovey enough...but not today. =)

(Thanks, Carrie...)