A Mama Confession: Fear and Panic

I have a feeling these "mama confessions" might become a regular feature on this blog.

Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. in total fear and panic. This time it wasn't so much about giving birth (although I frequently panic about that) as it was about being a mother. You see, even though I've wanted to be a mom my whole life, I'm worried that (deep breath, here goes...) I won't like it.

There, I've said it. I'm worried I won't like being a mom. Or that I won't love my baby enough. Or that I will wish he hadn't arrived and messed up the pretty gosh darn good thing David and I have going. And I didn't get the part-time job I applied for at Iliff, which I kind of (ok I totally) blame on the baby. And I'm sad I can't go to the border in August or Liberia in November--places I would love to go but can't because I will have a new baby.

At 4 a.m. I decided to get out of bed. I worried that my tossing and turning was going to wake up David and, after all, he has a job and needed to be somewhere today. So I took my crazy self to the living room and googled "prenatal depression." The website I found said that prenatal depression is fairly common as the due date draws closer and can be compounded by other major life changes like moving (check), loss of or change in employment (check) and loss or change of community (check, check, and check...I no longer see my Iliff or Trinity communities on a regular basis and it is hard...).

I also went to my friend, Muser's blog, and found a link to another mom's blog, which I read until 6 a.m. when David woke up for work and discovered me awake on the couch. Reading her blog helped tremendously. Crying to David helped a lot. Eating an english muffin and then crawling back in bed until 10 a.m. helped too. Sharing my thoughts on this blog helps. Somehow, sending these words out into the universe (or at least the 6 people who read this blog) makes me feel better because the fear and panic are no longer trapped inside my mind for me alone to deal with.

It's daylight and, for now, motherhood seems a little less scary. We'll see...

My 29th Birthday

Sunday was my birthday.

We are excited for Baby Baker to arrive but we decided that, since our weekends of picking up and going somewhere are coming to an end (or at least a hiatus), we would pack the car for the day and head to Vail.

I had never been before and David had only been in the winter but it was BEAUTIFUL! The weather was perfect. There was a farmer's market so the streets were packed with local vendors selling baked goods, homemade soap, and beaded bracelets. There was even a steel rim band!

We walked along Gore Creek to the gondola ride, which took us to the top of Vail Mountain. The views were fantastic and we ate lunch at the top. Even at 37 weeks, I was able to hike around a little bit and it felt great to be moving and active.

Sunday evening we headed to City Park Jazz with some friends. Even though it had been hot all day, the evening weather was perfect and cool AND I didn't get a single mosquito bite. (Oh, how I love Denver...)

I enjoyed celebrating with our Colorado family, but I felt the love from our Kansas family as well. Thanks for the phone calls, texts, and cards! =)

P.S. I hesitated to put up the pictures because I look huge, hot, and tired in all of them but decided that was just part of turning 29 this year. Here's hoping that I look more like myself at 30!

Blessings

Yesterday I decided to leave my couch for awhile and venture to Cokesbury (the UMC bookstore) to try and spend the gift card Iliff gave us for graduation. I was browsing the titles when this book caught my eye:

I don't believe in signs or that things happen for a reason, but sometimes God's presence is so palpable it is almost eery. I pulled this book off the shelf and flipped it open to the following blessing:

For a Mother-to-Be

Nothing could have prepared

Your heart to open like this.

From beyond the skies and the stars

This echo arrived inside you

And started to pulse with life,

Each beat a tiny act of growth,

Traversing all our ancient shapes

On its way home to itself.

Once it began, you were no longer your own.

A new, more courageous you, offering itself

In a new way to a presence you can sense

But you have not seen or known.

It has made you feel alone

In a way you never knew before;

Everyone else sees only from the outside

What you feel and feed

With every fiber of your being.

Never have you traveled farther inward

Where words and thoughts become half-light

Unable to reach the fund of brightness

Strengthening inside the night of your womb.

Like some primeval moon,

Your soul brightens

The tides of essence

That flow to your child.

You know your life has changed forever,

For in all the days and years to come,

Distance will never be able to cut you off

From the one you now carry

For nine months under your heart.

May you be blessed with quiet confidence

That destiny will guide you and mind you.

May the emerging spirit of your child

Imbibe encouragement and joy

From the continuous music of your heart,

So that it can grow with ease,

Expectant of wonder and welcome

When its form is fully filled

And it makes its journey out

To see you and settle at last

Relieved, and glad in your arms.

Needless to say, I purchased the book immediately. =)

The blessing made me feel better. It was a gentle, loving reminder that I will not be pregnant forever. In fact, God willing, someday my son will grow up and move away from me and, perhaps, I will miss the time when he was nestled uncomfortably (but safely) below my heart (causing me extreme heartburn). So, for today, I am feeling much less hostile and more hospitable toward the tiny foot in my ribcage.

A Mama Confession: Giving Myself Permission

Our due date is less than 4 weeks away.

I alternate between being totally excited for this baby and feeling like maybe this was all a big mistake. Sunday night I was exhausted. And huge. And ready to punch someone in the face because I was so tired of heartburn and backaches and swollen ankles and tiny feet in my ribcage. And I started to cry and said to David, "I think I hate our baby!" =(

It's not true. I don't really hate our baby. But I think the hormones are making me a little crazy. Plus, the baby room is nowhere near being finished and the crib that we found on Craigslist and that was in pristine condition when we bought it is now covered in scratches from our move. David swears he can fix it, but it feels like one more thing we have to do that is putting us "behind." I have friends who aren't due until the fall but their baby's cribs are assembled and unscratched. *Sigh*

We had our 36-week OB appointment yesterday and our CMW (certified nurse midwife) was a little less supportive of our desire for a natural birth than we had hoped. I don't blame her. Sometimes I'm a little less supportive of our desire for a natural birth. I alternate between total confidence that my body knows what to do and complete anxiety that this is the scariest thing I have ever had to do.

In light of all this, I'm trying to give myself permission to feel what I feel. All of it. I'm giving myself permission to sleep in. To spend hours on my couch watching "Arrested Development." To ignore the troubles of the world that usually weigh heavily on my heart and be totally consumed with preparing for this baby. I'm giving myself permission to order take-out and drink caffeinated beverages. I'm giving myself permission to feel ambivalent about birth and motherhood and this baby in particular.

So, if you've been trying to get a hold of me lately (with no success) or anticipate trying to get a hold of me in the next couple of weeks, good luck. I'm probably holed up in my house on the couch watching TV or reading a book, icing my swollen ankles and sipping on a soy latte. If you feel like joining me (and can resist judgment), come on over! =)

Time to Party!

Once graduation was over, it was time to party! Saturday we headed to Colorado Springs and visited Garden of the Gods and Seven Falls.

Saturday night we had a party at our new house. David grilled burgers and we had LOTS of yummy food (thanks to my mom, Patty, Lauren, and Greta). Hooray for parties!

Graduation!

It's official. I've earned my Master of Divinity degree!

Lauren, my mom & brother, Steve & Patty all arrived Thursday afternoon to begin the festivities. Steve helped David get the back yard ready and the girls shopped for party food. (After we got pedicures!)

We had an early dinner at Maggiano's Little Italy before the graduation ceremony on Friday night. I was SUPER hot during the ceremony (Thanks to Bambeano) but enjoyed it anyway. For me, the most special part was the "dialogue" between professors and students.

My advisor had this to say:

"Don't retreat back into an uncritical faith or stay forever in the place of deconstruction and endless questioning. Join the company of those who are rebuilding. This is your job, to help these ancient traditions speak good news to a hurting world."

To which I responded:

"Like the story of Jacob who wrestled with the Angel, many of us feel like our time in seminary has been one long night of wrestling--full of doubt, fear, struggle, anxiety, and even pain. Today, however, you are here to witness that we walk away blessed--we may also walk with a limp--but we carry our blessing with us."

It's hard to believe graduation has come and gone. A BIG thank you to my family for being here to help me celebrate!

Retreat

Last weekend was our Just Faith retreat at Mother Cabrini Shrine.

The Retreat House

The Gazebo

A view of the shrine (I made it to the top!)

A view of downtown from the retreat house.

I love the mountains!