We wait.

I could try blogging about something besides birth, labor, and babies but that would be disingenuous. Because it's all I'm thinking about right now. It's all we're thinking about right now.

We walk every day. Far. In the heat. My hands and feet swell up every time I step outside but, so far, walking has not induced the baby.

I'm eating pineapple and taking evening primrose oil. I got a massage. And a pedicure. David rubs my ankles every night with the hope that he will hit the labor-inducing pressure points.

I finished two novels. And we've watched two and a half seasons of Arrested Development. I've visited friends. We put the stroller together. I hold my belly and tell him it's time to be brave. David has threatened to ground him.

But, unfortunately, this baby has yet to be convinced that he should make his appearance sooner rather than later.

In fact, I'm starting to worry that he might be the first baby to just never come out.

I guess it's a good reminder that, despite my best efforts, I'm not in control. Not of this baby. Not of anything, really, in the universe.

Sigh.

So, I guess, we wait.

Landing Gear

I love Ani Difranco.

And right now I feel like she wrote this song for me.

To listen, click here.

"Landing Gear"

Hey little bag of sugar floating in your biosphere
Summon the courage to put down your landing gear
And come out here

'Cause I am as exhausted as a drowning polar bear
Swimming around, looking for a ride
And it's so god awful hot outside

Quiet kicking me in the rib every time Adam tells what he did
Man creates woman, he says
Sweeping his hand through the air like mister show biz

And you're gonna love this world if it's the last thing I do
The whole extravagant joke topped in bitter sweet chocolate goo
For someone who ain't even here yet look how much the world loves you
Look how much the world loves you

The candles are burning down, the music is fading
Your piñata is torn, it's time to be born
And death is at the door peddling that old fashioned blood and gore
Here at the house of creation, cue the sobering moment of revelation

You're gonna love this world if it's the last thing I do
The whole extravagant joke topped in bitter sweet chocolate goo
For someone who ain't even here yet look how much the world loves you
Look how much the world loves you.

The Baby's Room

Well, it's July 1st. Our due date is 9 days away and we finally got the baby's room in order. Let me give you a tour...

The crib and changing table were bought with graduation and birthday money (Thanks, Yia Yia and Opa!) and we found both items on Craigslist. They look brand new but were oodles cheaper than brand new baby furniture.

This is the picture hanging above the changing table. It was a birthday gift Carrie gave me years ago and I love that it's hanging in my baby's room now. It reads, "I hope it will be said we taught them to stand tall and proud, even in the face of history, and the future was made whole for us all, one chid at a time." Amen. =)

The glider and ottoman were a gift from the baby's aunties. (Thank you Rachel, Emily, Lauren, and Carrie!) The wicker basket, night stand, and lamp are items we already owned but moved to the baby's room.

The baby's bedding (a gift from Grandma) is our big ticket item. But it is OH SO CUTE! We decided to reuse a piece from our baby shower as "art" on the wall.

This was a gift from a family at Trinity. This baby has a safe place to sleep and grow and a family who loves him. I'd say he's already blessed.

This is the cradle my brother and I slept in as babies. It is now in our bedroom next to our bed.

I'm pretty dang proud of how simple we've kept things (Babies R Us can make you think that babies need a lot of crap!). We're trying to reuse things instead of buying new. Thanks to my sister--who gave us a boppy, baby monitors, and baby clothes--and a friend--who gave us a gently used car seat and TONS of baby clothes--we think we have everything we need (and more!)

Now we just need a baby. =)

11 years

Dear David,

11 years ago this weekend you picked me up for our first date. You brought me roses. You were the boy I'd been crushing on for months and finally, finally, finally, you were on MY door step to take me out.

You were a boy with a cool car. And a nice smile. And I liked you oh so much.

It doesn't seem possible that, 11 years later, you are still the boy I'm crushing on. Except you're not a boy. You're a man. A very, very, very good man. The man who made me a mother and is about to be a dad. I can't wait to meet our son.

I love you,

Tiffany

A Mama Confession: Fear and Panic

I have a feeling these "mama confessions" might become a regular feature on this blog.

Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. in total fear and panic. This time it wasn't so much about giving birth (although I frequently panic about that) as it was about being a mother. You see, even though I've wanted to be a mom my whole life, I'm worried that (deep breath, here goes...) I won't like it.

There, I've said it. I'm worried I won't like being a mom. Or that I won't love my baby enough. Or that I will wish he hadn't arrived and messed up the pretty gosh darn good thing David and I have going. And I didn't get the part-time job I applied for at Iliff, which I kind of (ok I totally) blame on the baby. And I'm sad I can't go to the border in August or Liberia in November--places I would love to go but can't because I will have a new baby.

At 4 a.m. I decided to get out of bed. I worried that my tossing and turning was going to wake up David and, after all, he has a job and needed to be somewhere today. So I took my crazy self to the living room and googled "prenatal depression." The website I found said that prenatal depression is fairly common as the due date draws closer and can be compounded by other major life changes like moving (check), loss of or change in employment (check) and loss or change of community (check, check, and check...I no longer see my Iliff or Trinity communities on a regular basis and it is hard...).

I also went to my friend, Muser's blog, and found a link to another mom's blog, which I read until 6 a.m. when David woke up for work and discovered me awake on the couch. Reading her blog helped tremendously. Crying to David helped a lot. Eating an english muffin and then crawling back in bed until 10 a.m. helped too. Sharing my thoughts on this blog helps. Somehow, sending these words out into the universe (or at least the 6 people who read this blog) makes me feel better because the fear and panic are no longer trapped inside my mind for me alone to deal with.

It's daylight and, for now, motherhood seems a little less scary. We'll see...

My 29th Birthday

Sunday was my birthday.

We are excited for Baby Baker to arrive but we decided that, since our weekends of picking up and going somewhere are coming to an end (or at least a hiatus), we would pack the car for the day and head to Vail.

I had never been before and David had only been in the winter but it was BEAUTIFUL! The weather was perfect. There was a farmer's market so the streets were packed with local vendors selling baked goods, homemade soap, and beaded bracelets. There was even a steel rim band!

We walked along Gore Creek to the gondola ride, which took us to the top of Vail Mountain. The views were fantastic and we ate lunch at the top. Even at 37 weeks, I was able to hike around a little bit and it felt great to be moving and active.

Sunday evening we headed to City Park Jazz with some friends. Even though it had been hot all day, the evening weather was perfect and cool AND I didn't get a single mosquito bite. (Oh, how I love Denver...)

I enjoyed celebrating with our Colorado family, but I felt the love from our Kansas family as well. Thanks for the phone calls, texts, and cards! =)

P.S. I hesitated to put up the pictures because I look huge, hot, and tired in all of them but decided that was just part of turning 29 this year. Here's hoping that I look more like myself at 30!

Blessings

Yesterday I decided to leave my couch for awhile and venture to Cokesbury (the UMC bookstore) to try and spend the gift card Iliff gave us for graduation. I was browsing the titles when this book caught my eye:

I don't believe in signs or that things happen for a reason, but sometimes God's presence is so palpable it is almost eery. I pulled this book off the shelf and flipped it open to the following blessing:

For a Mother-to-Be

Nothing could have prepared

Your heart to open like this.

From beyond the skies and the stars

This echo arrived inside you

And started to pulse with life,

Each beat a tiny act of growth,

Traversing all our ancient shapes

On its way home to itself.

Once it began, you were no longer your own.

A new, more courageous you, offering itself

In a new way to a presence you can sense

But you have not seen or known.

It has made you feel alone

In a way you never knew before;

Everyone else sees only from the outside

What you feel and feed

With every fiber of your being.

Never have you traveled farther inward

Where words and thoughts become half-light

Unable to reach the fund of brightness

Strengthening inside the night of your womb.

Like some primeval moon,

Your soul brightens

The tides of essence

That flow to your child.

You know your life has changed forever,

For in all the days and years to come,

Distance will never be able to cut you off

From the one you now carry

For nine months under your heart.

May you be blessed with quiet confidence

That destiny will guide you and mind you.

May the emerging spirit of your child

Imbibe encouragement and joy

From the continuous music of your heart,

So that it can grow with ease,

Expectant of wonder and welcome

When its form is fully filled

And it makes its journey out

To see you and settle at last

Relieved, and glad in your arms.

Needless to say, I purchased the book immediately. =)

The blessing made me feel better. It was a gentle, loving reminder that I will not be pregnant forever. In fact, God willing, someday my son will grow up and move away from me and, perhaps, I will miss the time when he was nestled uncomfortably (but safely) below my heart (causing me extreme heartburn). So, for today, I am feeling much less hostile and more hospitable toward the tiny foot in my ribcage.