love like dancing

I do a really good job sharing the not-so-glamourous moments in motherhood. I complain about the lack of sleep. The toddler chasing. The inability to keep ANYTHING clean for longer than a minute.

But I don't do a good job sharing all the moments that feel like maybe I'm the luckiest person on the planet.

I had one of these moments the other night.

It was almost bedtime. David was grilling on the deck. It was too early to put Milo in the tub and begin our bedtime routine, but I was too tired from the day to read Ten Little Ladybugs or really do anything meaningful and productive.

Milo crawled over to the stereo and pushed open the tape deck. (Yep, we still have a tape deck) He pulled out the tape and it looked like he might pull the ribbon out.

I rushed over to take it from him. And discovered it was an old Dixie Chicks tape.

I decided to put it back in the tape deck and rewind it to my favorite song. (OMG, remember rewinding???)

Dixie Chicks started singing their rendition of "Landslide."

I took my love and I took it down

Climbed a mountain then I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well the landslide brought me down.

My baby, the one-who-never-stops-moving, held still. Completely still.

And listened.

And then he crawled over to me. And up into my lap. And sat still some more.

So I sang along in his ear.

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

And he looked at me and he smiled.

So I picked him up. And we started dancing.

Me singing. Him bouncing on my hip and clutching my shoulder.

Me singing. Him listening.

Well, I've been afraid of changin'

'Cause I built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

I'm getting older too

Me singing. Him listening.

Me smiling. Him smiling.

Us dancing.

And it was such a sweet, sweet, sweet moment.

When it felt right. Like everything I had ever wanted was here on my hip in the living room.

Like my heart was so big with love it might explode.

Like being a mama was such a perfect and holy gift, I wasn't sure I even deserved it.

So take this love and take it down

And if you see my reflection

In the snow covered hills

Well maybe....

Well maybe....

Well maybe...

doula school

I did it! I'm registered for doula school!

Ok, it's not really called "doula school," but I like calling it that.

I signed up to attend a birth doula training workshop at the end of October. I can't tell you how excited I am about this.

And also, how much I love this guy:

Why, you ask?

Well, there are too many reasons to count. But, for ONE, he is super supportive of my seemingly crazy ideas.

(2006)

Me: I think I want to move to Colorado and go to seminary.

Him: I think that sounds awesome. I always knew you would go to seminary someday.

(2008)

Me: I want to go to Arizona and walk around the desert and fill up water stations for migrants.

Him: Wow. That will be a big adventure. I know how passionate you are about this issue.

(2009)

Me: I think I want to go to Palestine and hang out with Palestinian shepherds and stuff.

Him: Yikes. That sounds scary. I will really worry about you. But you should definitely go.

(2011)

Me: I think I want to train for a half-marathon. Oh, and I want to fly to California to run it.

Him: You can TOTALLY run a half-marathon. I believe in you. And a vacation in California? Let's do it!

And now...

Me: I know I have a teaching degree AND a degree from seminary. But I think I want to be certified as a doula. I have no idea if anyone will ever hire me to be at their birth, but I really want to try it.

Him: You'd be a fabulous doula. Here's one billion dollars to cover the registration fee. (Ok, it's not really one billion dollars, but it's a lot of money for something that might never work out...)

Seriously. I love this guy. And I'm grateful he is big enough and loves me enough to let me evolve. I hope I can do the same for him.

to blog? or not to blog?

I've lost my blogging groove.

I can't decide if I should keep blogging or not. Like maybe this blog (which I started when we moved to Colorado) is ready to be done. Maybe I should seal it up and tuck it away. Call it good. It doesn't seem to fit me anymore, and I don't know why.

Until I decide, here's what's been going on:

*Milo is humongous. And a full-fledged toddler. Except he's not walking yet. So maybe that means he's not really a toddler, but he definitely toddles. He makes an "oh" face whenever he hears something that surprises him--usually a dog barking or a car driving by.

His favorite things, in no particular order, are: balls (of any kind), cars, fake flowers, light switches, fans, door stoppers, climbing up on the fireplace, anything in the pantry that he can pull off the shelves, the dog bowls, mum mums, and eating off my plate.

His least favorite things, in no particular order, are: napping, getting his diaper changed, getting dressed, having his face washed after he eats, teething, and going inside when he'd rather be outside.

He keeps us busy, for sure.

Oh, and he says "da da." It's adorable. David will come up the steps or walk in the door and he'll cry out "Da Da!" Makes your heart skip a beat. He still isn't saying ma ma. That's fine. I'm not holding a grudge. It's cool. I only grew him in my own body and then spent 38 hours birthing him. Nope. No hard feelings here.

*David's job is ok. He doesn't love it, but he doesn't hate it. Him working nights is hard on him and me.

*My job is great. It's unfolding in a really lovely and exciting way. It makes me wonder when I will finally let go of teaching--once and for all--and walk faithfully into what is developing for me. I'm not there yet, but I can feel my grip getting looser.

*My running is coming along. I'm up to 5 miles. The race is two months from tomorrow. Holy mother.

I guess that's it. Let me know if you find my blogging "mojo"....

right now

I haven't been blogging. Right now, we're busy. Adjusting. Again.

I started work as the Associate of Discipleship Ministries at our church in Olathe on August 7th.

I. love. it.

I love my co-workers. I love my bosses. I love the work I'm doing. I love seeing familiar faces we left 4 years ago. I love seeing new faces. And, confession time, I love being away from my baby for 20 hours a week. I wasn't sure I could do it. But I LOVE the mornings that I wake up, shower, and GO TO WORK WITHOUT THE BABY. Plus, now that I am away from him more regularly, it makes the time I AM with him that much sweeter.

I'm working at both sites, our big church and the Center of Grace where they offer community meals, a clothing closet, ESL, and afterschool tutoring. Right now, my work at the Center is undefined. My supervisor is giving me time to grow into the work. To get to know the place. To let the work I'm supposed to do find ME. (I know, right? This job is really too good to be true...)

Even though it's good, I like to find things to worry about. Like my never-ending agony about whether or not to be ordained. Or whether I might someday return to public schools to teach. But right now, it's good.

Also, I'm in week 2 of training for my half marathon. My training right now looks like this:

*An "easy" run twice a week. Right now, my easy run is 2 miles. And, by golly, it IS getting easy to run two miles!

*A "long" run on Saturdays. Right now, my long run is 3 miles. Next Saturday, it will be 4 miles. And so on.

*Rest, stretch, walk on my "off days."

I need to stretch more. My hamstrings are freakishly inflexible which makes my lower back sore if I don't stretch. And also my abs have been sore. Yes, sore abs from running. David says it's because my ab muscles separated when I was pregnant to make space for the baby and that it takes time for ab muscles to "grow" back together. Ick. Seriously, add "ab muscle separation" to the list of things nobody told me before I got pregnant.

I worry about how I'll ever get up to 13 miles. But, I trust it will happen. Running is teaching me that things take time. Right now, I can run 3 miles. And that's 3 miles more than I WAS running before I signed up for this race.

Also, we're still living at my mom's. The tapes in my head like to tell me this makes me a loser. That we SHOULD have our own house.

But, honestly? Right now, it's pretty great.

We are taking advantage of the opportunity to save money & pay off student loan debt. People ask us how long we'll live here and we don't know how to answer. We say, right now, it's working.

That's it in a nutshell. For right now anyway.

lily

3 weeks ago, I had the honor & privilege of being present at my "niece's" birth. It was a day I won't soon forget.

Last week, I returned to Arkansas and spent some time with my soul-sister and her new little family. It was SO special to see her as a new mama. She's amazing!

And Lily? Well, I'm in love.

should-ing all over myself

Milo is napping and there are so many things I should be doing.

I should be loading the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher.

I should be steaming more green vegetables for him to eat.

I should be running.

I should be showering.

I should call my friend I haven't talked to in awhile.

I should be paying bills.

I should finish writing thank-you notes for Milo's birthday gifts.

I should. I should. I should.

Confession: It isn't just when Milo is napping that I feel the shoulds. Lately, I've been hearing a lot of shoulds.

I should be more excited to start my new job.

I should be better with money.

I should be more frugal.

I should be more generous.

I should be nicer to my dogs. I should walk them more.

I should be more attentive when my husband tells me about work.

I should be more engaged when Milo is awake.

I should be tidier. Less messy. More organized.

I should eat better.

I should exercise more.

I should be more involved with what's going on in the "real" world. I should have written my congress person about the debt ceiling.

I should live in my own house.

I should have more friends.

I should be more grateful.

I should be different.

More.

Better.

Yes, it has been a good ole should shitstorm in my mind lately.

(See, I just told myself I should not say "shit" on a blog my mother reads...)

It feels really icky.

And I don't want to live like that.

Something I've noticed? When I feel really critical of others, it's mostly because I'm feeling really critical of myself.

I don't want to live like that either.

I want to find space where it's silent. Where the shoulds are quiet. Where there is no judgment.

One of the 2.3 billion reasons that being a mama is scary is because if I don't get MY shoulds under control, then I will start to should my son. I can feel it already. He should be walking. He should be weaned already. He should know more words.

I don't want that for him. And I can't make space for Milo to be himself, just as he is, if I can't also make space for myself. Just as I am.

Before we left Denver, a friend of mine gave me a gift. A book called There is Nothing Wrong with You.

Sounds self-helpy? Yes, my friend thinks so too. And told me so. And so I didn't read it because I should not need self-help books.

But, I've started reading it. And I love it. It's written by Cheri Huber, founder of the Zen Monastery Peace Center in California and Living Compassion, a nonprofit dedicated to peace and service.

I'll say more as I read more, but here's what I'm repeating to myself today: "If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago..."

training::day one::epic fail

I had psyched myself up to start training today. I was going to run 2 miles. If you read my last post, you know that 2 miles is double what I can comfortably run.

David was feeding the baby breakfast.

I put on my running shoes and my ratty running clothes. (Seriously, I think my sports bra is from my college days.)

I discovered that my ipod wasn't charged. No worries. I plugged in my mac and pulled up my "run" playlist.

I made it 1 minute and 53 seconds into my run before the belt on the treadmill broke.

I can't run outside because it's only 8 AM and already 1 gazillion degrees.

Day one: epic fail.

*Updated: I put the baby down for a nap and discovered it wasn't THAT hot out yet. I walked one lap around my neighborhood. Not great, but something!*

let the training begin!

OMG. I did it.

I registered for a half marathon.

OMG.

I can think of one billion reasons why that was a bad idea.

#1. I'm out of shape.

#2. I hate running. (Ok, that's not true. I LIKE running when I'm in shape. See reason #1.)

#3. I've only done ONE 10K.

#4. A half marathon is 13. 1 miles. OMG. THIRTEEN POINT ONE MILES. It might take me thirteen point ONE days to finish.

#5. I have a one-year-old. Finding time to get in shape isn't easy.

#6. I have hypoglycemia. It makes it hard to know what to eat in order to run long distances. I've put my hubby, the nurse and former athletic trainer, in charge of designing a nutrition plan for me.

#7. I'm out of shape.

#8. I'm out of shape.

#1 billion: I'm out of shape.

But here's the thing. I really want to do it. It's been in the back corner of my mind for a couple of years. And maybe there's no better time than NOW. When I just turned 30.

I'm excited. For real. And here's why:

#1. The race is in California. It's one of the flattest courses in the US. AND, it's next to the beach. Bonus.

#2. David & I are running it together. I love him. And I love running with him.

#3. Combine reason #1 with reason #2. It will be a vacation WITH him and WITHOUT the baby. California + David = poolside with umbrella drinks. OMG, that's enough motivation to run 13.1 miles right there.

I know it won't be easy. Right now I can run one, count it, ONE mile without dying. But, here's what I'm trying to remember:

#1. I didn't think I could ever run 6.2 miles. But I did.

#2. I gave birth. See this?

This never-seen-before-on-the-internet picture is of me pushing a baby out of my body. Surely, if I can push a baby out for 3 hours, I can run 13.1 miles.

We'll see. I'll keep y'all posted.

milo's first year

happy 1st birthday, milo!

Happy day, Milo! Today is your birthday! Your first birthday.

I can hardly type those words without feeling a catch in my breath. In so many ways it doesn't seem possible that you were born a year ago. Becoming a mama is a big, big thing and I remember it like it just happened. I remember the waiting, oh the waiting, and the contracting, oh the contracting, and the pushing, sweet mother of all that is holy the PUSHING...

And then you were born.

You made me a mama in that moment. That very moment.

Yes, Milo, in so many ways it doesn't seem possible that 12 months have passed since you were born.

And, yet, in other ways, I feel like I'm a million miles from that moment.

A million miles.

You were a newborn. And now, one year later, you are a little person! And you are an AMAZING little person. Smart and sweet and charming and adorable and funny! You like to make us laugh. You like to read books on my lap and, when I finish reading one, you go to the basket and bring me a new one to read.

You love balls. We were at Old Navy this week and I was carrying you. We walked past a bin of soccer balls and you reached out your arm and said, "BALL." Your first word. "Ball." We wanted to declare you gifted on the spot and send you to genius school.

You are a good eater. For the most part. Anything you don't want to eat, you throw on the ground for the puppies to eat. It's a behavior we are trying to curb but that is proving difficult to eliminate because you're so omg! cute when you lean over the side and laugh as the dogs lick avocado off your fingers.

And I think my favorite thing about you right now is the sing songy thing you do in the car. I have the music on and you "sing" in your car seat. Makes. my. mama. heart. melttttt.

Yes, Milo, you have come a long way in one year.

But you're not the only one.

I am different than the person I was a year ago. Different and, I hope, better.

I have learned so much from being your mama. I'm learning how to let go. How to let go of being organized, being tidy, being on time, and being perfect.

I'm learning to forgive myself.

I'm learning to trust myself.

I'm learning to be present. You taught me that, Milo. I can't keep you from growing up and I can't rewind time, but I CAN be so fully present in each moment that I don't have any regrets.

I'm learning how much goodness there is in the world. How can I doubt God's goodness when I see your face?

And I am learning to love in a way I never knew was possible. I know, I know. Everyone says it. I'm not saying anything new. But, it's true. I love you with this fierce, instinctual, and unconditional love that I've never experienced before.

Milo, I was so afraid of your first birthday. I think I've been dreading it since you turned one month old. Silly, I know. But that's how I felt. I think I worried that, once you turned one, you wouldn't be my baby anymore. I've started weaning you now. And it's another indication that you are growing up. No longer my baby.

But, now your first birthday has come and gone. And it's not so bad. This morning I went in your room to get you and you were standing up in your crib. When you saw me, you laughed and then reached your arms up to me. I picked you up. You put your head on my shoulder and you patted me.

No it's not so bad having a one-year-old. In fact, it's really, really great.

And, honestly, it doesn't matter HOW OLD you get.

Because I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living,

my baby you'll be.

Happy first birthday, Milo. I love you with my whole self.

Love,

Mama

because I haven't posted a video lately

hobbies

I googled "hobby."

Here's what wikipedia says about hobbies:

A hobby is a regular activity or interest that is undertaken for pleasure, typically done during one's leisure time.

I *think* that I used to have hobbies. You know, like, before my kid arrived.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my son. I super duper love him. And I love being a mom.

But my baby is almost one. And I recently turned 30. And I decided it was time to have some hobbies again.

I had to think kind of hard to remember what I used to like to do.

Here's what I came up with:

*Reading

I used to read. A LOT. Then I went to seminary and I read a bunch of books that made me smarter. Then I had a baby and I got way dumber. I realized that, in the past 12 months, I've read a gazillion books about getting your baby to sleep, what to feed your baby, and how to create a healthy & happy kid. I've also read Brown Bear, Brown Bear and The Very Hungry Caterpillar but I don't think board books count. I DID read the Hunger Games books (thanks Carrie!) and LOVED them, but they're written for young adults so I'm not sure I should feel super proud that they're the only books without pictures that I read last year. (If you have recommendations, send me titles!)

*Running

I used to run. Before I got pregnant, I trained for and ran a 10K. That's 6.2 miles. It's also the number of miles I've run since Milo was born. (Ok, not really, but close!) I'm afraid to say it out loud, but I'm on the fence about signing up for a half-marathon and trying to train for it.

*Scrapbooking

I know, I know. Scrapbooking is totally a stay-at-home mom thing to do. But, actually I haven't scrapbooked AT ALL since Milo was born. Which is really sad. Not only because I miss it, but because this blog is the closest thing to a baby book that Milo has and I don't know if I want him reading all my "mama confessions."

Also, I think there are some new hobbies I'd like to pursue. Things I've never done or am not very good at but have decided that I should try anyway because life is too short to be afraid of failure.

For example, I'd really like to take swim lessons. Yes, I can swim. But not very well. And I don't want to be a super star swimmer, but I really would like to be a better swimmer. And this hobby is really scary to me because I have to a.) get in a bathing suit and b.) not be embarrassed about taking swim lessons even though I'm 30.

Also, I want to take Spanish. I took 3 years in highschool and used it when I was a teacher but I've forgotten most of what I used to know. My new job will give me lots of opportunities to speak Spanish and so I want to become more fluent.

Finally, I haven't said anything on the blog, but I've been thinking for awhile that I would like to become a certified labor doula. I've had the joy and privilege of walking with a couple of friends as they transition into mamahood and have discovered I have a real passion for pregnancy, birth, and babies.

So there you have it. The hobbies I'm hoping to reclaim and the hobbies I might try on for size. I'll keep y'all posted!

30, flirty, & thriving

On my 30th birthday, I got spoiled.

A pedicure with my mama...

Lunch & cake with my family and favorite boy...

And a night on the town with my favorite man.

We had a yummy sushi dinner at "Drunken Fish"...

(My favorite birthday gift? The totally impractical and totally fabulous black dress my mom bought me to wear!)

and walked around the Power & Light district...

and stayed in a hotel with a fantastic view of downtown KC...

and had coffee & dessert on the 42nd floor of the hotel...

I'm pretty sure I'm the luckiest person on the planet.

We live fairly ordinary lives. But, for one day, it sure was wonderful to feel glamorous and EXTRAordinary!

finding our groove

I haven't been blogging.

I've written lots of blog posts in my mind, but haven't sat down to actually write them.

Partly because I'm busy.

And partly because I worry.

I started this blog because we had family in Kansas who wanted to know what was going on in Colorado.

Now, we live in Kansas again.

I worry that blogging makes me self-centered. That maybe I reveal too much. That maybe nobody is even interested in the things I'm blogging about.

But, here's the truth:

I really love blogging.

I like having an outlet. I like writing. I like documenting.

And, so, I guess I will keep blogging. And it will be up to YOU to decide if you want to keep reading.

We are slowly finding a groove.

David started his job and, for the most part, he likes it. I know people start new jobs all the time, but watching David make this transition has made me love him even more. I think he's really brave for starting over in a new hospital. He's working nights, which is a big adjustment, but he's doing great.

I have a new job in the works. I'll write more about it when the details are firmed up a little, but I'm really excited. I feel surprised and humbled by how perfect of a fit it seems for me and my little family.

We are still at my mom's and are getting comfortable. Yes, it has been an adjustment for all of us. Yes, we miss some of our privacy and independence. Yes, my mom is probably tired of baby crap being all over everything and also our super barky and annoying dogs. BUT, there are advantages to living in community. Like, for example, the fact that David and I can leave the house after Milo goes to bed! We can go for a walk or run an errand or go get icecream because Milo isn't home alone! And, sometimes, there are evenings when David is grilling and I'm in the kitchen finishing dinner and my mom is giving Milo a bath that I wonder how anyone does this parenting thing without a live-in grandparent. Sometimes, it's really, really nice.

I turned 30. I'll post some pictures later because it really was a spectacular birthday. But, for now, I'll just say that I'm excited about turning 30.

We just got back from a week in Tahoe with my sister and her family. I'll post pictures of that later, too.

Yes, we are slowly, slowly, finding our groove...

happy 11 months, milo!

Happy day, Milo! You are 11 months old!

I'm sorry your letter is so late this month. Mama has had a lot on her mind. BUT, I love you all the same, I promise.

Your 11th month brought BIG changes! Most notable is that YOU MOVED TO KANSAS! You were such a good boy during the move, Milo. You took everything in stride. The big boxes, the commotion of loading the truck, the looooooong drive, the late night hotel stay in Hays, and then moving in with Grandma. You were flexible, sweet, and charming. Really, you amazed me.

You seem to like Kansas. We took you to the pool for the first time and you loved the water. You like to splash and you laugh when Daddy throws you up high.

You rode on the back of Daddy's bike for the first time. (And, YES, you have your own helmet!) You like it when Daddy rides fast. Mommy just has to trust Daddy. And pray.

You started giving high 5's and clapping. It's pretty adorable.

And, best of all, you seem to be thriving on all the extra love and attention you've been receiving from your big, big, big Kansas family. Whenever Mama starts to miss Colorado or feels like maybe this was a mistake, I remember how big your grin gets when you see one of your grandparents. And I remember how important it is to your dad and me that you have a big family who loves you.

Milo, part of the reason your letter is late this month is because we've been busy. But part of the reason is because this is your 11 month letter. And that means that next month is your twelve month letter. It means you are almost one year old. One year old.

My heart aches a little when I think about you turning one year old. I'm so proud of you and of us for making it. This was the biggest year of my life. And I know that, God willing, we have many, many years in front of us to celebrate you.

But, you are my first baby. You are the baby that made me a mama. And it has been almost one year since you blasted my old life into pieces and helped me create a new life. One year since you made my heart grow 10 times bigger. One year since you were born.

Sometimes we look at you and we say, "When did our baby become a little boy?" Because you are. You are becoming a little boy. And that is ok because that is what you are supposed to do.

But, for your mama, it is bittersweet.

Anyway, you're not one year old yet. Today, you are still my 11-month-old. And today, just like yesterday and tomorrow, I love you with my whole heart.

Love,

Mama

milo's eleventh month

8

This week we celebrated 8 years of being married.

Thanks to Milo's grandmas, we got to go biking together, eat lunch AND dinner out, and stay out until 9:30 p.m.

But mostly, our anniversary day was just like the others.

Milo woke up. I nursed him. David changed him. David fed the dogs. He made coffee. I made breakfast. I packed Milo's diaper bag. He loaded the car. Milo took naps. He got a bath. We put him to bed.

Our anniversary was not super exciting. Not very glamorous. But I was aware of the rhythm between us. The gentle give and take. The way we have figured so many things out together.

And I was aware of how much I love having this person as my partner and friend, even after 8 years.

I still think he's funny.

He still thinks I'm beautiful.

We've been through big transitions together. And it's not always easy. But I know for sure that there's no one else I'd rather share a life with.

So, here's to us, David Baker. Happy 8th anniversary.

a mama confession: baby trickery

I have some friends with new babies. And one friend who is a month away from having a new baby.

And, sometimes, when I hang out with new babies, I can't remember why I thought new babies were hard. Because holding a baby that falls asleep when it's tired and stays asleep in Target feels way easier than a Milo baby that requires being in his crib with his two loveys, his sleep sheep, his white noise machine, and his pacifier in order to take a nap. Not to mention that it can't be too light and can't be too hot.

And also new babies don't move much when you're trying to cook dinner. Or go to the bathroom.

But, here's the thing.

Being a new mama with a new baby is so hard even if, looking back now, I can't remember why.

It's hard because becoming a mother is a big darn deal. It changes every single cell in your body. Where, before, you only had to think about yourself and maybe a pet or two, now you have to think about this little person who depends on you to stay alive.

Plus, becoming a mother makes you way dumber. I used to be smart. If you don't believe me, look at my GPA from graduate school or read old posts on this blog. But after a baby? Brain mush. Mostly because your brain is busy remembering the last time you fed your baby, trying to determine if your baby is eating enough, trying to guess if your baby is too hot, too cold, too gassy, or too constipated. Not to mention that trying to figure out a baby's sleep schedule requires a rocket science degree. Your brain is too full to remember other people's birthdays or that your car tags need renewing.

And just when you start to figure some things out, the baby comes up with NEW things to trip you up. Like getting teeth. And starting solids.

Before we moved, I felt like I was in a really good place with Milo. But then he did some magic baby trickery and changed it up on me. He is throwing fits when we try to change his diaper. He lays down on the floor and kicks his legs when you take something away that he's not supposed to have. And he makes this weird "eh eh eh" noise when he wants more oat puffs, which is pretty much every minute of the day.

I work myself into a panic when I think about what's ahead of us: toddlerdom, potty training, preschool....... it makes me pine for the "good ole days" when I only had to worry about myself.

Luckily, there is an antidote for baby trickery.

Other mamas.

You need other mamas. It's helpful to have mamas who are ahead of you. Mamas who can give you advice and pour you a glass of wine. Mamas who understand how much you love your baby but, also, how much you sometimes wish the Goodwill would come pick your baby up from the curb.

And, so, to all you new mamas and about-to-be mamas (and any friends who might someday be mamas), I want you to know that you can and will survive baby trickery.

And, if you live close by, I'll be there to pour you a glass of wine.........

Also, it really helps that babies are cute. How can you NOT love this face?

new

New.

Well, sort of new.

Returning "home" after 4 years isn't really new, but it is different.

It has been one week.

One week since we packed our whole life up in boxes and drove away from Denver. One week since we saw mountains in our rear view mirror.

This week has been weird. Not all bad, not all good. Mostly kind of weird.

We are settling in at my mom's. She has graciously made space for us while we figure out what to do next.

We've gotten to see my in-laws a couple of times. It is SO nice to be fed and to have people chase your baby around for you.

I caught Milo reading a book with his Uncle Matt the other day and it made me swell up with happiness to see Milo sitting on his knees and pointing to animals in his giant animal book. He'd look up at his Uncle Matt and wait to hear Uncle Matt tell him the name of the animal. Then he would smile.

All of this has confirmed for me that I want Milo to have more family than just David and me.

But, also.

I've cried.

I've been sad.

I've felt lost.

I've felt disappointed.

Change is hard.

I don't think I realized how much of my identity was tied up with living in Colorado. How much I liked telling people I lived there. How much of my "story" centered around leaving Kansas and going to Colorado for graduate school.

It was easy, in the middle of the mountains, to sense God's presence.

However, I am convinced God is also present here. In Kansas. In my everyday, ordinary story. I can feel that God is doing something new. That God will somehow knit together the education and experiences I've had into something beautiful. That God can use me here.

I changed the name of this blog. No longer "Life in Denver," but a new title. I'm trying it out. "The Sacred is in the Ordinary" is my reminder that daily life is saturated with God's goodness. With God-ness. If only we have eyes to see it.

farewell

This is what I worked on yesterday when Milo was napping. Yep, instead of packing, I made this super cheesy video.

Why?

Well, for one, sappy music and photo montages are my love language.

And also it felt good to reflect on four years here.

To think about all the trails we have hiked, the friends we have made, and the baby we birthed. Oh yeah, and we got some degrees too.

We are making the right decision to move. I'm sure of it. I'll be glad to be "home."

But, saying new hellos requires saying goodbyes first. And making this video helped me do that.

So, here it is. Our "life in Denver"......